To give is only human....

I know, I know, I am writing after a very long time. Have been working on myself a LOT. Self-help books, self-pondering, self-awareness, so much to learn and understand about yourself first before we can even start thinking about others and judging others. Something I have been working very hard on the last few days. Workbooks, tests, I am definitely taking myself seriously. :-)

Who has time for others, when you yourself are going through myriad of emotions, when you yourself are a spectrum of characters, good, bad and ugly.

Just today, I went through a mixture of emotions, got up feeling ok, went to "bad" due to some melt-downs at home. I had a meltdown myself at Target today and went for a 0.75 mile run with Sam and his friends that cleared my mind a little. Those little boys and their giggles and smiles can melt anyone's heart. Came home to chores, sucky weather, no milk and a very unhappy dog when the phone rang. The Foster family agency of WA state. I do remember applying for this months ago when I was looking for something more and better to do with my free time and life in general. Yeah, I know, my hands are already full, but my heart somehow is not.

Years ago, when I was in 12th grade, my dad and I were driving in one of the posh localities of Delhi to my Chemistry practical finals. I can never forget this morning. We were on our old beaten up Maruti 800, it was a cold foggy March morning. I was all nervous about my final practical exams and all. He was zooming at 30 m/hr to get me to school early when we both noticed something in the middle of the road. A mauve puppy with a faint howl. He was run over by a car in front of us. Not the driver's fault, it was just a foggy morning. I knew that if we left him there, he would definitely be run over by other cars. What a lousy way to die, I thought. I asked my dad to stop, removed my "Surf white" lab coat that my mother carefully washed for my finals, carried the dog to the edge of the road and put him there gently hoping the animal rescue team that my dad promised to call arrived and saved him. Hey, there is always hope, right? My dad said he was really proud of me and I went to my school, borrowed a lab coat from a friend and finished my exams on time. I told my story to a few girlfriends and they thought it was gross and asked if I washed my hands. Not the point I was trying to drive. I left it at that. That is the day I knew my priorities were different and that I just did not think like most other people.

Memories of my childhood flashed in front of me today. The autistic girl I sat next to and helped in grade 6, the kindness I showed to a mentally challenged kid at age 5 when others made fun of him (like in the movies), the dogs I fed, a squirrel I saved. Another very deep seated memory came alive today. At age 20, my mom gave me some extra money on my birthday to spend on friends and my roomie and I decided to go to the nearest blind school and provide food and have lunch with a bunch of blind kids. How can anyone forget such profound moments of happiness, gratefulness that we were indeed the privileged ones? I am sure if my roomie is reading this, she will remember that day with those kids. Unforgettable.

When I fostered my current dog, Butch, at age 6, he had severe arthritis. He couldn't do lot of things other dogs did, he had some problems with one of his eyes, he couldn't run well and he had some behavior issues and no one knew his history very well. There were times when we were almost giving up on him. Some of you may know the story. We knew we were not ready to adopt, but Butch wouldn't eat or drink when he went back to the Humane Society. We had to adopt him, we couldn't give up on him. Today, at age 10, he is healthy, happy and a great companion for me and my family. So glad we stuck by him during those difficult times. I will always feel good about giving him few more years of life and companionship.

My mom, my ex-husband, my father, everyone encouraged me to give. I remember donating my first ever motorcycle bought with my own money to a milk-delivery boy in Hyderabad who was shocked beyond belief when I told him it was free and left him with the keys. It all makes sense to me now. My mother thinks God watched me from above and thought Sam was bound to come to me. I consider it wishful thinking. In that moment of my meltdown today, I forgot all the good things I am. Sam is. We are, as a family. The way we give, the way we care, the way we live. Recently, there was a discussion with few family folks about how giving only comes to our mind when we are "ready" to give. Meaning, we are well off to spare extra money for the society. I disagree. Giving need not be cash, giving could be just helping someone cross the road. Giving is more time than $$. Who cannot write a check for $100 today and feel that they gave. Anyone!! Giving is an adrenalin rush. Giving is making memories. Giving is character. Giving is Time and Time my friends, is money.

Don't let the reason for not having enough money stop you from giving what you have. Recently one of our family members died and I come from a not so well off family. Some of my extended family is still struggling to make ends meet. When the person on the other line told my mother how critically short they are for the funeral of this person in the family, my mom said, "Ofcourse, I am sending you money right away. Please make sure the funeral is done well." That moment I knew where my character building started. It started in the womb.

Years ago when my parents' requested us having a "grand" reception for my first wedding (only daughter and all), my ex-husband and I politely rejected. We asked them to give the money to an orphanage. I am glad my husband, Sagar, also felt that way when we married. He was against even the very simple party I had arranged for his friends. He actually keeps me in check when I give too much, which is always a good thing. I need someone to check on me from time to time. People don't get us, which is fine. I am glad we get each other and our priorities are respected by each other.

The point of this blog is not to ask you to give, not to show how great I am and how I am a better human being than you. Nope. The point to drive is, if everyone of us gives a little, an hour a week, a few dollars a year, maybe become a big brother to someone, shape someone's life or make a little difference to someone in some little way, our job on earth is done well.

Trust me, I have closed some multi-million dollar deals, but the rush that comes from giving an Xbox to a random family for Christmas and them sending a video to show you how much their kids appreciated it is better than any incentives, sales deals, any $100,000 wedding parties, any flashy cars that we can experience. One other reason why I LOVE my employer. Microsoft gives and encourages us to give. For every hour I spend volunteering, my employer gives $17 to the organization. For every $ I give, they match. For every Microsoft product I give, they match. And someone very truly told us, if you appreciate what you have by sharing it with others, your wealth will appreciate by itself.

To give is only human.



 

How much is too much???

Yeah, I am writing after a long time. Nothing has been affecting me a lot lately, that could be the reason.

It has been a pretty interesting month, a roller-coaster month. I won the Circle of Excellence award at work. Sam did great with his grandparents, cruising around Seattle, attending camps, staying without me for seven whole days, putting up with lot of South Indian food like koottu, Cabbage, paruppu podi etc. It has been a great trip for them and for us, finally, I have sent them on a West Coast trip to get a well-deserved break from us.

Oh, and of course, Sam turned 9 lately and things are slowly starting to hit the fan. 9 more years and we will be in the middle of nowhere looking for god-knows-what for his future. I am yet to do an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) with the Seattle School District. Sam has not been to a public school here since he was 4 and apparently, we can order some devices and headphones for him with state funding and what not. He is also being tested for partial hearing impairment to get more services (like microphones, headphones for the teacher and Sam).

We are also doing what is called an AFLS (The Assessment of Functional Living Skills) and it has confirmed my understanding that though there are going to be huge improvements in the next 9 years, it is not going to be anywhere close to an independent life. So, I am bracing myself to make some huge decisions in a decade, relocating, leaving the country, buying a farm, having another kid (or not). In the meantime, Sam's dad has also been slowly cutting off his ties slowly. And Sam seems to be very happy not having to go to his house lately. This was the EXACT opposite of how things were 4 years ago. It is unbelievable what time can do to a young child's mind.

In our team meeting today, we learnt a few things. Sam's new Augmentative device (a Samsung tablet basically with a custom software called Novachat) is going to be heavily relied upon in the near future. With hearing issues being tested, we can finally have a breakthrough in identifying how to help him speak more meaningfully to us. We are throwing in lot of community programs this year to get him to behave in the community, without getting mocked at or arrested for that matter. For eg: Sam cannot walk out of the store without paying for an item he just picked up. This has happened once and it will get him in trouble in 3 years as he will be considered "juvenile". The laws do change for youths and it can get real dirty what with the law enforcement not being trained properly around autism in this country (or any country for that matter).

With all these issues, he is continuing to grow, play, laugh, learn and assimilate. But I do realize this next decade is going to have a HUGE impact on him now that he is learning to understand the rules of the society. I am excited and scared for him. But, I want him to get out, learn things, have trusting people as care givers and hope that he will not get into serious trouble.

We have recently let him sit on a different seat on the bus and just watch what he does and he has been doing great. Buses, boats, airplanes fascinate Sam, so it is no big surprise that he is mesmerized by rides. His verbal stims get lost in these noisy machines. He is just a cute little kid enjoying simple pleasures. I don't know if I can say that in 2-3 years. "Cute" is a word I will need to let go and suddenly expect lot of serious and compliant behaviors from him (again, to not get into trouble with law enforcement). A child I know has been in trouble and cops have been called and that scares the $%^& out of me.

With all these problems and questions, I am consumed by my own thoughts, do I want to bring another child into this already confusing labyrinth of a life? Do I want to just take care of him and have an otherwise fulfilling life doing what I do best, have a satisfying job, love and marital bliss, have fun and travel the world and just be done with what I have? How much sacrifice is too much for a parent? How much selfishness is allowed for parents? How much success should a woman aim to achieve with all these issues? How much is too much?????

When someone asked me this morning, I think I found the answer, "I want to stop renting the superwoman costume and start enjoying the rest of my son's childhood".

With great responsibilities, unfortunately, you don't get great powers.





 

The Power of Love

Whenever I think of something very strongly, I think I should blog about it. So, here you go.

This is going to be a frustrating, complaining, nagging blog and a much needed one though. And I am sharing this only with some very close friends and family that even matter to us. I have been an over-sensitive person lately, especially since Sam's diagnosis 6 years ago. It has made me vulnerable and I am trying to get used to it. I laugh and cry at a moment's notice. First I thought I was bi-polar and got myself checked. Turns out, I am just a normal person dealing with complex situations and it is natural and amazing how I haven't lost it completely yet.

Most of you reading this should know the situation my husband and I are in. It has been 2 years and we are separated by distance for a year due to his visa issues. For the last 2 years I have been dealing with this supremacy of handling a job, bringing food to the table (exaggerating here), volunteering, taking care of Sam's therapy issues and life in general. And almost everyone has appreciated and  admired me. Thanks. However, there is a hidden hero here. My husband. Since he moved to Seattle (Oct 2010), I have been promoted 3 times at work. That is kind of rare in a company like Microsoft. I have won a Community advocate award in WA state for autism advocacy and am nominated for another at the Disability Summit for Community Service. I could not have done any of these without Sagar. He has been my rock. I have had past issues with our situation and probably complained to some of you until I went to therapy. My therapist made me understand the situation this way. Imagining both of us running to go to work and managing Sam and doing the charity work we do, this break is actually a silver lining. As long as we both are happy, what anyone else thinks should not matter. And giving each other space (literally) has made me understand how challenging it must be for him. He could have just left me and gone or insisted that we moved to India for his benefit. Not once has that ever come up.

Then, am I not the unconventional modern woman that always wants to take charge? I probably earn as much as any other guy out there. We have managed to buy a house, rent out our condo and live happily with a special needs child and a pet. We have everything we need and then some. We always take frequent breaks to help recharge our systems. So, what is wrong with the fact that my husband has chosen to be home and help me out for a few years? Wouldn't you have done that for your wife? Probably not. Because, it is just not the way the world works, correct? But then, have Sagar and I ever followed the rules of the world? Never.

Let me tell you something about us. We are 2 people totally in love. I have said this to many friends and family, we are totally in love with each other and we are capable of giving up things for each other. When I asked Sagar to meet Sam in 2008 and then decide if he wanted to be with me, he said, "I don't care if your son is in a wheel chair, if he is yours, he is mine". How many of you have ever said that to anyone? How many of you have followed your heart? When I went to India, one thing stuck to me very strongly. I saw all the choices my husband could have made. All the other girls he could have married. Something about the daughter of a famous Jeweler, who could have inherited millions of dollars. Sagar could have had the perfect 1 crore wedding with dances, multiple cuisines and what not. Sagar could have had a beautiful wife that made theplas and Khakras for him everyday or someone who was very cool and just traveled the world with him with no baggage (no pun intended). Instead, when we met in 2008, he chose to show me all the movies we missed watching in 7 years, all the dishes we should have cooked for each other, all the laughter we could have shared with each other.

It is not that things changed after our wedding, I have a tough life. He saw it, he lived it every weekend with me. Doctor appointments, therapists coming in and out, constant calls/scheduling, crying at the drop of the hat, he saw everything. He always knew he would never be my first priority ever. Even during those honeymoon days. I gave him a taste of what life would be with me and with no hidden agendas. He completely embraced it. If I have fought with him, if we have had bad moments and situations, it was most probably me just acting crazy and not thinking straight. People who have known me for decades know that I can be an impulsive drama queen sometimes.

I have a very complicated life and am surrounded by complicated friends and that is how I can connect with them. I know a family that has lost their first child to brain tumor and the second child has severe autism and whenever I hang out with them, they just lighten up the room with their sense of humor. My life and suffering is nothing compared to what they have gone through. Losing a child tops the chart of pain and then comes having a physically or mentally disabled child. For once, I am second. :-)

Yes, we don't know what is going to happen next year. We have no idea how much money we will have in 10 years. This is not a race that we need to win. This is a journey that we need to enjoy even if it means not finishing it faster than you or some cousin or some friend. How are we going to plan for another baby, how are we going to raise Sam in this over-complicated materialistic world with conventional family and friends and people in general? The least we need is for you to judge us and form opinions about us. I have decided to consider advise only from people who are walking in our shoes or have walked even a mile with me. If you aren't one of them, then it is probably better to keep your ideas about our life to yourselves. It just makes me nervous and I really don't need that this year. I just need to count my days and get through this year until I see Sagar again.

When we celebrated our virtual anniversary last week, a very close friend of mine texted me that she had seen us go through some toughest times and we have just emerged stronger than ever. That is what we need. We don't need your suggestions, advice, concerns. This is our life and we are absolutely happy and completely in love with each other and the life we have created on our own, our way. We are going through a tough year now, just because, we miss each other terribly. When we met in Paris, Sagar made tea for me every morning. He got tea from India and made some terrible chai. He said, it was months since I had terrible tea and I happily drank it everyday. That is how we are. Yes, we do not have an ordinary life, because we are just extraordinary people. It is time you all accepted that and support us with love, affection and hugs and not with questions, concerns and queries. We are 35 and can totally take care of ourselves and each other. Thank You!  Our love for each other will survive everything. And we have proven it time and time again to ourselves. So, all you people who talk to me or Sagar, In Seattle or India, or anywhere in the world, please be aware that we are not you and let us be ourselves. We are happy this way. Just like you wouldn't want our life, we wouldn't want yours either. Have you ever thought about that?

 

Everyone has problems

This has been on my mind for quite some time now. Let me give you some context. I was sitting with some colleagues the other day and we were celebrating our Q end. These were what I considered my close colleague friends at work. We share some personal frustrations at times. So, we all thought that we should share one problem each. I was so not enthusiastic about this game. Coz, I know I always win this one. The first one went, "My wife doesn't do any work. She is stay-at-home but doesn't cook or clean or do laundry". I said, "hmmm, talk to her about it. She should be able to understand as you have been married for 20 years now!!". I showed some empathy when he wanted to take his ring out of his finger. Drama queen, I thought. The second one went, "Well, I travel a lot and my wife constantly fights with me that I am not around the kids more often". That is a good problem to have as he just got a huge promotion. But, I did understand how important family is and how his stay-at-home wife might feel. I empathized. Then it was my turn, "I said, apart from a divorce and not being with my current husband and custody issues with my ex-husband, my biggest problem is probably finding an assisted living facility that can take care of Sam when he turns 18". Silence. I looked around and one gal went, "Oh Arti, everyone has problems. My husband wastes too much water and we constantly fight about it". I was literally shocked. Literally. I spilled wine all over the table and burst out laughing and excused myself and ended up crying in the restroom. It was that funny and sad. I came back and everyone felt very uncomfortable and I said, hey, let's just celebrate now. The next day each and everyone of them emailed me and said they were sorry I was going through this and I should let them know if I needed any help or support. Duh.

That is my life. I am not saying your problems are not bigger than mine. Maybe they are. Maybe your parent or husband or even your child, sibling or friend has a chronic illness. Maybe, you don't have a job or are not in a satisfying job or marriage. Maybe you were abused. Maybe you don't live the way you want to live. Do you know the difference between you and me? I empathize with you, no matter how small or trivial your problems are and I NEVER say, " Well, everyone has problems". That is called empathy and so many of us lack that. It is sad.

I always wonder why I am so good at what I do. I pick up the phone and the customer yells at me, the company, the products and says, "Arti, I know you are just the messenger, but I am so frustrated". And he could be a guy that has a million dollar house by Lake Washington and Kayaks everyday and has a vacation home in Hawaii. You know what I don't tell him? "Every customer is having similar problems". I say, "Sorry John, I understand. I wish it was different". And THAT, my friend, makes me a better Sales person, friend, wife, mother, a community member and just a human being. Someone told me 2 weeks ago, "Arti, I do not sympathize with you, do not expect me to pity you." That is fair enough. I don't need sympathy, but I do need empathy. If you don't know the difference, then you should probably look it up.

Trust me, these are not even rude comments. I have heard someone say behind my back that they would never wish to have a child with autism and they would probably terminate the pregnancy. News Flash dude, you don't get to diagnose it until age 3 as they do cross most of the milestones during the early years. That is probably the most rude comment I might have heard yet. The second one was when Sam's nurse couldn't contain him when she was giving him shots and there were 4 people holding him down. She ended up announcing, " He must be so difficult". I said, difficult, he could be, but atleast he isn't rude like some people. I think she got the message. You know what my problems are, I raise a child I don't know will ever have a future, I have NEVER had a single conversation with him in the last 9 years, I come home and crave for basic exchange of words, I always worry about future and savings and money, not because I want to go ahead and get a BMW and live in a million dollar house or binge drink and party all night, but to earn so that my son doesn't have to depend on any Govt. aide to live his future years after I am gone. I am still waiting for the day when he would tell me he loves me. I do NOT expect you all to understand, because you cannot. You are not walking in my shoes, you do not live with me, you have not taken care of Sam to even begin to understand what it is like. But, you can atleast empathize. Or just smile and give me a hug. Sometimes words are not even needed, you see.


I discussed this with my therapist today and he gave me a good tip. IGNORE. JUST IGNORE. If the person matters to you, talk to him/her about it and explain your situation. If not, just ignore. I have learnt to ignore a lot lately. He said, "Arti, count the number of people you think empathize and want to know about your situation and help and support you". I counted. CP, RS, TM, JM, SS, TB, DH, KG, MC, VA, VK, GS, SS, SS, ML, AS. I said, "atleast 14 and I know I am forgetting a few". He said, "You know what, Arti. You are extremely fortunate. You have 15 really good friends and you have a way of testing them and I don't. You have 15 friends that appreciate and empathize with you. That you can call in the middle of the night and you know they will take your call. And people like me, we are not so fortunate. I don't think I can count more than 2-3 in my life that I can be so confident about." I smiled. That really helped. And you know who you are.

People forget that autism is a BIG part of me. It does NOT define me, but it does affect me in big ways. And, the big news is, you better learn to empathize with me to be a part of my journey as this is not even a chronic illness that will go away ever. It will stay till Sam is alive and beyond my lifetime.

And that is EXACTLY why I savour every moment of my vacation, whether you like to see my pictures or not. Going to Paris is definitely not a big deal. Going to Paris with my husband and not having to worry about Sam's health, behavior and daily routine is a BIG DEAL.  That vacation will stay with me for the rest of my life. I have learnt to never take anything for granted. So, if you want to go ahead and judge me, it is better to just stay away from me, I think.

When I met my husband in Paris, I was very emotional. I wanted to say so much in 6 days and I hope I said everything and made him feel loved for what he is doing for me and Sam. There was a moment when I burst out crying and said, "Life is so complicated. When does it end?". You know what he did not say? Everyone has problems!!! He said, "It is ok, we will get through it together". And here is this guy that had nothing to do with me or Sam 5 years ago and completely and totally embraced us as a part of him. I am yet to meet another human being that has done that. People worry about money, job, future of their kids, girlfriends, cheating, not having a cool car or a million dollar house, bonuses, promotion or taking vacations, not getting better grades, not having a husband who doesn't waste water :-). And here we are, the 3 of us, outcasts, living our lives, trying to just fit in. Trying to just help people understand the fact that LOVE is all you need to get through these few years on earth. Love, empathy, compassion. You call me tomorrow and bitch about your in-laws or husband not doing enough for you. You know what I am going to say, "It is ok. Everything will be fine. Just take deep breaths and it is all temporary".

And saying that people, is so much better than saying, "My son has autism and you are worried about your in-laws?". Nope, you know why? Because I have empathy, compassion and love for my friends. I think you get my point.

Amen!




 

Hey Ram!!

My phone rang this morning at 10 am from a Buddhist mentor I hadn't met. She really wanted to meet me. In May 2010, when I was looking for something to guide me in the right direction, I thought it was Buddhism. I started attending some events and meetings and I was told to read a book that was in Japanese. I was a little confused, because I thought Buddhism was more about a way of life than about reading books and scriptures. In 2011, I decided it was not what I wanted. I didnot even understand what I was chanting anymore. I did see trememdous benefits from reading about buddhism, the teachings, the phases of Buddhism. So I emailed (this is the same time as I was learning to say No to people), that I wanted out of these meetings, because I didnot find any value or motivation to go to them. It felt just like my mom forcing me to go to a temple.

Let me step back 27 years, I was 6, I was an expert in reciting Hindu slogans and was extremely religious. Not a day went by, when I went to school without ashes on my forehead. I had a strict practice and knew Suprabhatam and Kandashashti Kavasham like I could recite in my sleep. And then, I grew up. My parents were and are still very religious. We come from the group of Hindus that are supposedly ranked the highest in the society, called Brahmins. I was probably proud to be one those days. I was surrounded by Brahmin friends, went to school with Brahmin friends and ended up living near Brahmins. So, you can imagine how much peer pressure there was for me. Brahmin is a strange community, too strict, too many rules and regulations for me to follow. I am normally against any religion that teaches to kill people, abduct and "test" women and expect too much respect just because someone is older than you. But, that's just me. And a religion, that teaches, that it is the only religion that matters is something I am really not comfortable with. I get to choose my religion not because I was born into a certain family or married into a certain family. I get to choose because it suits my way of life and my vision for the future.

Then I started meeting friends and people from other religions, when I started moving around in India. I started asking questions to my parents and others, what does Suprabhat even mean? Why are we reciting it? Why do people get married in front of fire and recite slogans for hours? And why is the woman suppressed? Why is Sita still worshipped as the epitome of wife-hood (I know that's not a word, but you get my point), and Kannagi, who burnt a whole city because her husband was murdered unfairly was never worshipped. Why was I told to be "girly" and be a Sita to my future husband and not fight for justice like Kannagi? Why is divorce frowned upon? Why is remarriage frowned upon? Why are widowed women not even allowed to dress up or attend important family events? Why should we give dowry or anything to the guy who I am going to spend the rest of my life with? Why couldn't I have friends from other religions? Why couldn't someone marry someone from another religion or community ? I was 13! My mom knew right away what a problem I was becoming and asked me if I was ever going to marry a Brahmin boy. I said, "Umm sounds a little boring ma!. I dont think I can ever marry a Tamilian, no offense!". And they accepted it, I guess.

My slongans eventually stopped, no ashes on my forehead, I knew what was fair and unfair and how I wanted to be treated by everyone, family and otherwise. I was always this rebel in the family. And, in a way I liked it. I thought everyone was so naive to even spend so much time and money on something they don't even fully understand. Religion, they say, is supposed to make your life better, happier, richer and what not. I don't think any of my relatives who are strict Brahmins are richer, happier or better today. I stopped calling myself a Hindu. I started becoming more global, dreaded going to temples and eventually stopped. Even today, when my mom calls and asked me to donate money for a temple because they want to buy some gold on our behalf, I strictcly say, No way! I would rather donate that money feeding the poor. Seriously! We have our fights and our differences. But, I know she secretly admires my guts.

I still keep hearing snarky comments like, Sam's autism was caused because I stopped going to temples or that I don't believe in Lord Ram or Shiva or one of those 1000 gods. I even refused to name my son after a god and named him "Sambhav" which means "possibility". I even tried going to churches to see why Christians were so much more fun than the Hindus. Didnot work for me, I felt pressurised there too. Rules and regulations have never attracted me. I later realised recently, that all I was looking for was something that makes sense to me. I learnt through my experiences that Karma is my tool. Do good, good will follow, do bad, you need to balance your Karma. I have heard comments that Sam's autism, my divorce is all because of my bad Karma or my ancestor's bad Karma. Well, for all those that say that, I normally challenge them that I am happily married than most of them anyways. I remember a friend even telling me, "how come you got married twice and to a great guy, with a special needs child and I cannot even get married once". I couldn't stop laughing. Marriage is about love, and you can find love anytime, anywhere. And Sam's autism is an opportunity for me to think beyond me and my home. Trust me, I wouldn't want any other child, even if I go back in time today. He is just perfect in his own way. Just like you and me. And, that Buddha has validated for me. He doesn't discriminate. Period. I recently got an idol of Buddha from Sagar's cousin. Though I am against idol worship, the look on his face in my living room soothes me sometimes. So preaceful, so patient.

So, fast forward to 2010, I saw someone at Starbucks. I went to her and told her, "I am so lost". And she said, "Let me help you". We both knew this was more than getting street directions. I found my mentor for Buddhism. I read up the phases, I got really interested. However, I was constantly asked to attend meetings, recite Japanese slogans, chat, talk, meet and it was getting really annoying for me at one point. That's when I decided that I was going to learn Buddism my way. I was going to donate part of my salary, I was going to help people, be nice to everyone, learn to be patient, control my anger, love animals, love kids, love my friends, family and not discriminate and stop being a psuedo-racist. Basically, Starting to become better to enhance my life. This is MY way of life, my religion. No book, priest is going to teach me how many times I am supposed to pray or donate or get a new saree for an idol (trust me!), donate in so much gold in a temple. Nope!

Donate in people, it is more rewarding.

Luckily for me, my husband totally does not care. He just makes fun of me and forgets all about it. I have learnt while trying to find peace that I can only find it right here, in my mind and not in a temple or group meeting or praying in Japanese.

So, back to today's call, the Buddist region leader called me and she asked me why I was not attending the "meetings" and I told her my views on reciting meaningless mantras and learning nothing out of them. She agreed to meet me at the dog park today and said, "Arti, you are one of the rarest people I have met in my 40 years of practising Buddhism. You have questioned the things that many people don't because they want instant benefits out of it. Here is a book, learn it and we will discuss it next time". And that my friends is what religion is all about. It is a way of life and it can ONLY be found inside yourself. And obviously, this is strictly my opinion.

I-don't-know-how-she-does-it

This is a Carrie Bradshaw (the girl from Sex and the City) movie that flopped miserably at the box office. I normally don't want anything to do with her. She kindda annoys me. But, please read on.

I have been planning to write this for sometime now. Sam's therapist is home and is working with him for the next 2 hours. Sipping some juice (no caffeine after lunch is my new policy) and settling down in front of the heater, with the dog at my feet, I share these best practices.

I have been noticing something for a while lately. Everyone is busy, running, forgetful, stressed out, trying to juggle lots of things at one time, multi-tasking, worried, unable to sleep and the list goes on. I am one of those too, but the intensity has reduced significantly in the last 2 years. When I went to India this time, it struck me a lot. Though India has its own drawbacks around traffic (worse than LA) and getting things done on time efficiently, there are also perks like servants to cook, clean, do dishes, laundry. These are unaffordable in this coutry. Still, it seemed like everyone is busy busy busy.... unorganised, not managing time very well, stressed out, less time for family, hobbies and pleasure activities.

Almost everyone, except my mother, asked me one question, "How do you do it, Arti?". How do you manage everything, we are just so busy. A year ago, the word "busy" used to annoy me. I thought being "Busy" is an excuse to avoid doing things, taking resposibility. I stopped saying I was busy. I just stopped it. Went cold turkey. A neighbor who met me once a year because she was "busy", a cousin who never called me except to ask for money because she had been busy, people on facebook always tell me they are so busy and ask how I get the time to change profile pictures! Not sure if that is a compliment or an insult. Nope, I am never busy. My busiest days are probably Dec 31 and June 30th, because of year end issues at work. I was juggling a lot, taking up more than I could handle until I realised a few facts and tricks. I am going to share this secret with you all and let you take a look at my life and how things are not always as difficult as they look. Even with a special needs child and practically single for a year with a full time job and house to maintain all by myself (learning to change light bulbs this weekend and rake leaves in the front yard, phew), I still have time to catch a movie with a friend, go for Happy Hour with peers, take the dog out to the park, have sleep overs for Sam, invite friends home, get a massage, get a hair cut, apply make-up before going to work (this is new!), get decently dressed, make breakfast and dinner and watch HBO and even write this blog.

1. Get good sleep - I recommend 8-9 hours of sleep every night if you have the luxury or atleast 6 hours and 9 hours during weekends. Tricks I am going to apply this year - do not watch TV to go to sleep, do not open your laptop, turn off all the lights and let the dog out no matter how cold it is. I almost wake up everyday around 3 am and it freaks me out and reminds me of Paranormal Activity.
No alarms for me as my dog always whines at 6. I am also a morning person, so going to sleep by 11 has always been easy for me.

2. Wake up by 6 - Not that I go running or do Yoga at 6, I login at 6 and clear up most of my inbox by 7 am. I also boil potatoes or whatever is needed in this time. I sit with a cup of chai and just realx. I have scheduled calls at this hour with the east coast folks. It feels like half my day's work is already done. At 7:30, Sam wakes up (I have a rule, if he doesn't wake up himself then he didnot get a good night sleep), force him to shower and he dresses up himself and eats his heavy breakfast of 3 egg omlette or 3 dosas, 8 strawberries, a bowl of yogurt and OJ. He does this EVERY morning. When your child eats so well in the morning, the day has started off pretty good already. So, invest in time for breakfast. I always eat a bar and drink a glass of OJ. My goal is to have breakfast with him every morning this year.

3. It's ok to be late - I am a VERY punctual person, if someone gives me a time, I have got to be there. No matter what. This used to be extremely stressful for me as I time myself everyday. If it takes 11 mins to go from my house to Sam's school, I wouldn't start before 8:49. Today, I started at 8:40, made it by 8:51 and spoke to his teachers, chatted with a few parents and hugged and kissed him. However, I am trying hard not to beat myself up if I am 2-5 mins late. (I am not being totally honest here!). If you are late 2 out of 10 times, it is ok. I have learnt this the hard way by scratching my car while running to a meeting. So, calm freaking down already. However, let people know if you are late by more than 10 whole minutes. I get really pissed if people make me wait longer without informing me.

4. Invest in a good phone - Whether you are an ardent Microsoft fan or use one of those Andriods or Apples, doesn't matter, just get a good smart phone. Use the calender, because it beeps and reminds you of stuff. I use my calender for everything. Right from scheduling massage appointments to paying my credit card bills. I also obviously use it for work, but they are 2 different accounts I have set up and I don't reveal my private appointment details to my team, but they do know when I am working and what times I am out in a given day. Also, all of Sam's therapists and Sam's dad use a Google calender so that everyone knows where Sam is, who is picking up, dropping him, when is he on vacation, school schedule, field trips, conferences and what not. This way, noone needs to remember anything. Investing 5-10 mins every week to enter all the information and making changes are going to save you tons of time and money. I also have unlimited Text messages as Sam's therapists love to text and it is easier than talking for sure. It has worked wonderfully for me. Before I shred my mails, I do take a picture of important bills and such. This way I don't have to spend time looking for a specific thing. I just need to like in my phone pictures. Even when someone gives me his card, I take a picture. I do not save physical cards. I will definitely lose it.

5. Share apps and calenders - My husband and I share "Evernote". He orders Gorceries and Household items for me by just looking at what all I need in Seattle from India. It is on both our phones and he knows exactly what is in the pantry and what is needed. One of us buys it and edits evernote. It is all in the cloud. We also have online banking (there is no physical bank) and we scan and deposit checks, we have set auto-pay, e-bills and pay people from our accounts online. So, use some good apps and share it with your spouse or whoever manages money in your house. This way, I dont have to remind him to deposit a check, get onions and get a gift for our anniversary ;-). We also use "Mint" to share financial information. If you are comfortable sharing your accounts with your spouse or partner, this is great. It has Zillow for property value on a given day, 401k, stocks or whatever investment accounts you hold, all banks, all credit cards, every $ that is spent from each credit card/account and catogerises your spending pattern in grocery, restaurants, school, gas, donations and what not for a given month. It is an extremely useful app and also triggers if you overspend, so it is good for fraud detection too. I also personally use a Voice recorder these days, it is a Windows phone app. Whenever I remember something and cannot type because I am walking or driving or doing something else, I just open the app and remind myself "Remember to take dog to vet". Then when I come home, I check my VR and call the vet and schedule appt and put the appt in my calender. This is key. Apart from all this, I email myself everytime I remember something. This has worked the best for me. "Get Dosa atta from Indian store" is always on my email every Monday :-)

6. Buy a good bluetooth : Most of those social calls and calls to parents can be done when you are driving. I normally do this when I drive to work in the mornings. Do not text and drive though. It is dangerous. My bluetooth also tells me every time an email or calender pops up, so I don't have to be anxious about why my phone just beeped while driving. Ok, I admit, I wear my bluetooth while cooking sometimes. When I am traveling this is also useful to tell me directions from my phone. So, no mapquest print outs and GPSs for me. Everything is done through one device, my phone.

7. Donate or do something nice: Do good and good will follow. Whatever cause you can relate to, donate time/money or talent. It not only gives you great satisfaction, but also gives you a purpose for your existence. I hear many people say that life is a rat race. It is all so materialistic, you earn and buy a new house, new car, raise kids and die. Not if you choose to donate. I was recently awarded the "Community Advocate of Autism Community in Washington State", I raise anywhere from $2k to $5k a year for Sam's school and volunteer 80 hours a year in non-profit work. I have washed dogs in the Humane Society, I have driven special needs kids to watch Nutcracker, cleaned up school playgrounds, carried furniture. It is a very fulfilling experience and trust me, doing that will not only expose you to wonderful people and organisations, but also to the new you. You will be surprised how life-changing this can be. Try it, you won't complain so much about life anymore! And encourage people to do it too. You will also feel how fortunate you are to be healthy and financially adequate unlike others you serve. It will make you feel grateful and change your view that life is indeed bigger than you and your home.

8. Listen to music or read self-help books: On my way driving back from work, I always listen to my favortie songs I have on my phone. Great stress busters for me. I try to do Natasha's "Unwritten" or Miley's "Climb" or "Margazhi Poove". If I am pissed at my husband, I try "Chura Liya" or "Truly Madly Deeply". These were our songs when we dated. When I miss him, I listen to "Po nee po". I also downloaded a Tamil comedian's video (Santhanam) and watch it if I feel sad. It always uplifts my mood. I have read almost 6 self-help books, most of them women-oriented, on time-management, career management, marriage, happiness, Emotional Quotient etc.. My life-coach highly enourages me to read about Hillary Clinton. I have to do that soon. So, anything to calm you down. Mental stress is more consuming than physical stress. When Sam cries loudly or does something to upset me, I always remember to stay clam. If I get upset, he gets extremey upset too.

9. Embrace change: I hear lot of people saying, why should I change, I am good the way I am. Or he/she wouldn't change because of age or personality or whatever reason. I ask you not to change for others, change for yourself. I am very stubborn too, I never wanted an extravagant wedding, I paid my parents off every penny they spent on my education, I am very particular about money and what we do with it, I always love taking vacations. However, if you notice, all these quirks are for myself. I cannot change these things because I don't want to, as they have only given me pride and pleasure. However, if I am annoying, nagging, gossipping, opening up to "friends", then I only end up getting hurt and stressed out. So, changing yourself for your own good is a great thing you can do to yourself. If watching TV until 1 am is causing you stress the next morning, this needs to be changed. I have come to believe that change happens with me and if I change my circumstances change.

10. Make good friends and make the relationship professional - I have very few friends here in Seattle, my husband always laughs when I tell him that we should invite all our friends, because we only have a handful. I have a few good mom-friends that I can always depend on. You know who you are. If I need ANY help with Sam, they are always there for me. However, I never take our relationship for granted, we negotiate, we work out a plan, swap schedules and free up each other's time, carpool and arrange sleep-overs. Sometimes, all you have to do is ASK! People are always willing to help you if you ask and help them too. My other close friend V is my rock. I am "cool" with her because we have no expectations from each other. However, I know if I need anything, she is there for me. As I age, I have learnt to identify who is going to work for my family, schedule and mutual benefit. It works, try it. Be honest and professional and also be caring and loving, when needed.

11. Enjoy yourself - I have some extreme cheap thrills, like watching the first show of Kamal Hassan or Surya or Shanning Taatum's movies. Or, eating at a specific restaurant, driving to Taco Bell at 11 to quench that sick Taco craving, Going to an outlet mall and buying a $40 purse that is worth $300 and being extremely proud of the bargain, getting a foster dog, jumping on the trampoline with Sam, cleaning my house (I am weird), getting a massage (just got one today), buying all those cheap unnecessary items on groupon once in a while, looking at tickets to Hawaii every week - just in case, going out with a girlfriend and b%*&$ about everyone, watching a horror movie even though you know it is going to freak you out, watching horrific serial killer true stories, watching Law and Order SVU, American Horror Story and Criminal minds EVERY SINGLE week, using the jacuzzi, watching crappy Tamil movies during weekends. Life is not all about work, money, husband, kids, in-laws, parents, friends, bosses and society. Life is mostly about you.

12. Develop a good sense of humor :  This is probably the best thing I have learnt from my husband. To learn to crack jokes. And to learn to laugh at myself. Sometimes, it works to make fun of things and move on. We make fun of everything, right from burning a pizza to Sam's autism. After I met my husband, life is just not so serious. He gave me what I needed the most, laughter. We love watching funny movies like Hang Over and laughing for the same jokes we crack almost every day. If we have nothing left, we end up betting that whoever laughs in the next few mins is the loser. Yeah, we are so silly. But, it has always worked. I have had some horrible times with Sam and his autism and my husband always made fun of the situation to make it lighter for me. We have a rule, only one person is allowed to be serious. So, laugh out loud, laugh at yourself and develop a decent sense of humor. It makes things so much simpler than they seem.

13. Outsource: I have a rule, I always pick up Sam. I used to feel so guilty that I was not so involved like other moms at school that don't work, until I realised a trick. Always pick up Sam. So, I block 3:30-4 on my calender so that noone books any meetings at those times. I am there, outside his school, waiting to hear how his day was, what worked and what didnot. If I miss a day, I make sure the teachers email me his day's activities and share it with the google group. I also outsource his therapy co-ordination to a girl I hired this summer. She manages his calender and his google group and co-ordinates with Speech, Occupational, Yoga and therapists at school. There are 11 members in the google group including his dad. This has been a breakthrough for us, because every single person that meets Sam in a given day knows what his latest quirky habits are and what upsets and doesn't upset him. Also, I outcourse drop-off, I call other moms or my husband for help. I ASK! I love to clean my house, so I haven't outsourced it yet. I only order groceries from amazon.com. It is not very cheap, but, it makes you buy only what is needed. I don't seem to waste food anymore as I buy only what is needed for those 2 weeks. I shop online. Period. Right from Butch's poop bags to Nexus tablets, we shop on amazon.com. I don't remember the last time I went to Radio Shack/ Office Depot. I also try to buy pants for Sam from a friend. She works at this shop and I give her the size and trust her taste. She buys the perfect clothes for Sam. I pay her and pick up the clothes. I have never not liked what she has chosen for Sam in the last 3 years. She is AWESOME. So, outsource whenever you can, you CANNOT do everything.

14. GET HELP -  All the 13 points I have listed above happened because I identified I needed help. I could not go on with so much on my plate. I worked with my life-coach on all the 13 things above. Though there are some qualities inherent to my personality, he helped me take it one step further. He is not emotionally attached to me, he encourages me to ask for a raise, he advises me on marital and relationship issues. He has been extremely helpful. So, when you feel you cannot handle it anymore or life is overwhelming, go and get help from someone professional. Make sure this person is not attached to you in anyway as he needs to see things through a different set of lenses. It can be expensive, but I swear by it. Admit you need help and get it.

So, no matter how hard it is, there is always a way to have fun, organise yourself and make time for everyone. It is fun, trust me.








 

The world did not end after all....

Writing this on my way back from Puerto Rico.... a quick conference and a little vacation with Sam. I am glad we started the year on such a positive and bright note.

My employer just makes life so much easier for me sometimes. I finished 5 years at Microsoft (I am getting a small award for my "service" next month). Things are going great at work and I am stretching myself to do things I wasn't comfortable with before. I was a Keynote speaker for a Partner conference. A keynote is when all the conference members assemble in a big ballroom in a Hotel and it kicks off the day. They then disperse to several breakouts based on their interests. It freaked me out, I knew I was extremely comfortable with the content as I have been doing it for 5 years. A phone call to my husband, my father-in-law, who always encourages me and tries to relate to me, a quick FB post to receive some enouragement from my friends and mother and my own breathing techniques and colleagues, an email from my manager and peer - I rocked it. I was extremely pleased with my own performance. This was my first time addressing 200 people in a big room for an hour and handling questions on the fly. I think I found what I want to do as a next step in my career.

If you are thinking I was born a talender public speaker, you are terribly mistaken. I used to stammer a lot as a kid and my friends and family always made fun of me. When I moved to Delhi, my inability to speak in Hindi made it even harder for me. College did not motivate me to be on stage ever. I was great 1:1 in interviews and such, but public speaking terrified me. I clearly remember an incident with my ex-colleague at a small-scale conference in 2005. I couldn't even introduce myself to a room full of people. I was that terrified. My job at Microsoft made me cross that barrier. In order to grow, I had to share my complex knowledge of Microsoft licensing with people. My first conference was in SF, I was terrified because I had also just met my ex-boyfriend the previous day (who also ended up marrying me after 2 years). I pushed myself to participate in a radio show (NPR- SF) and answered questions live on autism. My manager encouraged me to take up various training classes and those really helped me a lot. This keynote is something no one on my team has done before, so this is going to be a big highlight for me at work this year. Thanks to all the people that made fun of me. Atleast their feedback helped me want to improve. I am proud of myself for turning things around for my own benefit.

This year is full of exciting events. I have a major presentation at work end of the month in my Career planning leadership program. I have some very creative ideas to present to my leadership team.

The highlight this year is family though. I miss my husband terribly and we plan to meet in Paris in exactly 77 days. Yay!! I have been prepping (nagging??) him to make it romantic and buy me a gift and give it to me under the Eiffel Tower. I do have some high hopes, don't I? Sam has been doing pretty well, so I am finally booking those tickets to India and taking him along. Hopefully, I should hit Singapore and meet some of my friends and their kids.

Getting to know the new family and in-laws has been exciting. I feel very appreciated and respected and I value the space that I am being given- which has been important to me recently. Though I was born in India, I was always perceived weird and different there. My mother always used to tell me, "You don't even belong here" and ofcourse it is all the MTV and Star Movies I watched as a teenager. Right. It is going to be a unique experience, I am definitely planning to have a good time with Sam and my husband there.

The power of love is truly unbelievable. I read somewhere that, when you are dying, you think about love and nothing else. Love brings so much happiness. Love for your spouse, kids, pets, friends, family and above all, love for onself. I know that for me, 2013 is going to be a year of love. Love growing with distance each day, love created by acceptance, love being a whole family. Here is to 2013. Cheers!