Today is just one of those days. Here I am, locked up inside a box flying 30k ft above ground and I feel safe. This is my safe place, airports and airplanes, very structured and familiar setting for me while some may find this chaotic. Yesterday, I saw an ad for a travel journalist for NYT and for a fraction of a second I considered that as my next job. Traveling is my favorite activity, hands down!! My best friend often reminds me that I love to travel because I can escape from reality sometimes. I travel because I get to meet people I don’t know and I don’t need to know, I get to order good food and stay in a silent quiet room. I owe no one nothing. Opposite of how I feel everyday living my life, both at home and at my workplace.
Few days ago, I was super pumped. My days go from super-pumped to super low and bounce back to super-pumped in few hours, sometimes even minutes. Few years ago, I thought I was bi-polar. How can anyone go from super high to super low in hours!? I went to my therapist and he laughed and assured me that I was NOT bi-polar. I am weird, but not bi-polar, he said. “You are the most high functioning woman I know”, he said. I met my therapist in 2010 and I still go to him sometimes. In our last meeting, he pretty much told me not to schedule any future sessions. He felt I was good to go, I have all the tools I need to navigate life and he is just one call away if I needed him. I was not so sure, it has been a month and I seem to have done ok until today. He reminded me to share my thoughts, so here you go.
Last few weeks have been tough with S. He is going through some tough puberty issues that we are still figuring out how to navigate ourselves. I am a 37 year old mom with a 13 year old teenager on the autism spectrum, I am in no way mature enough to handle it all. I was such a smart teenager myself and talked, shared and figured out things myself. My close friends and cousins were always available and I confided in them so much. It is just sad that S doesn’t have that and we all are struggling to understand why he does what he does when he does. Today, we came out of a 120 min brutal school meeting with 8 of his service providers (we have a BIG team), everyone contributing to what they think would work for S. I just nodded my head, blanking out during parts of the meeting, shaking my head and admitting, “You know what, I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know what is going to work for this kid. I am lost, I am tired”. But if there is one thing I do know, it is that this will pass, until the next hiccup. So, I told myself to breathe a LOT, pace myself and get inside this darn airplane as fast as I could and get my thoughts together. Luckily, no one is next to me to read these raw emotions.
I told myself while driving to the airport, just quit your job and homeschool him. Move to Costa Rica, you know you both love it there. Get a syllabus, study by the beach, travel. Who knows, he will learn better through such unconventional ways. Hire Jan full time, hire A full-time. Get more help, you love your job. You are the most high functioning person you know. Thoughts scattered all over the freeway but Mt Rainier looked so beautiful, I let that sink in for a minute as I drove and parked at the airport. Then I dropped my expensive iPhone and the glass shattered, it’s bad. Deep breaths. I am aware of my stress levels and I know if I don’t control it, it has a snowball effect. I mindfully take the car keys, take a picture of my parking spot and text my husband to investigate if he needs to buy me that super expensive iPhone 10(?) he has been raving about or replace the glass or sell this one. I am sure he will figure out something by my birthday (wink wink). I mindfully go through security, get all my items from the bin and slowly proceed to the gate. This is easy, travel is easy, work is super easy, talking to customers is easy, multi-tasking - pff, raising a special needs child - boy- THAT is hard.
I sat at my window seat and looked at my calendar for the week. I have a panel to participate at tonight, a customer talk tomorrow morning about "how to create innovative teams" and then back home in 24 hours just to be on time to send Sam to his social group at 3 pm. The calendar says, “Don’t forget to put $20 in his jacket” and I smile and feel proud of how efficient I am at times. I have HH with work colleagues after that and I remind my husband to take care of dinner for 2 nights. He loves to cook and S loves his food, so I don’t feel that guilty. Then I flip to my personal calendar about Special Olympics on Thu, swimming on Fri, ice-skating on Sat and climbing for the rest of the week and thank our new care-giver A for helping us drive him around town, to keep him engaged, active and fit. We also have an evaluation at the county hospital this weekend to “prove” he is disabled (rolling my eyes) so that he gets additional transportation benefits around town, something that will save us lot of money and time. Then pops up a house-warming party, reminder to meet my best friend and check on her this weekend and get ready for “Stranger Things” on Netflix, Facebook does know what I really like, huh! Thankfully, we have all the resources and help we need to give him the support he needs. Wonderful friends who invite us to give us some much needed “normalcy” every week, my best friend and Jan just a text away and A to help out Sat nights so we get our break.
Then I shift my focus on what I need to tell young women in the audience today. Women in tech sales - its a hard job competing in a male dominated space, voicing our opinions, getting a seat at the table, meeting with CxOs and discussing products and deals and dollars. But, I want to yell, “it is still not as hard as raising this kid”. But I will save the drama, I need to inspire these women to be their whole self, focus on what matters the most inspite of such hurdles. More power to us, right?!
All the time, also being aware that I am just a text away from losing control, a call away from walking away from a dream job. My manager then texts me, “Good-luck today Arti, you got this!” He totally believes in me. I was on the fence about this panel and he encouraged me to do it. He even says I should get certified as a public speaker and do more of these around the globe and “inspire” people. I roll my eyes again, as you can see “eye-roll" is something I do once almost every hour. I have always had the best managers, they believe in me, promote me and encourage me to do bigger things.. Just like my husband who always says, “if you cannot do this, who can?!” No pressure right?
At work, hardly anyone knows much about my home situation, only as much as I tell them. I have never lost my cool in the last 7 years at work. I breathe and act professional and when I get frustrated sometimes I confide in external mentors who have always supported me. So, what do I tell these young women today? I have had horrible days and somehow I get through them and that there is no real secret recipe to successfully manage home and work. I have no idea how my professional life would be if I did not have S, would I be more successful? I would never know. But, one thing I will hit upon is emotional intelligence, being self-aware, practicing empathy, compassion, being kind and gentle to others, building on your strengths while working on your weaknesses one at a time. Being open and vulnerable, honest and ethical, creating a community for yourself and the family, having fun, falling in love, traveling, taking frequent breaks and sick days when needed, ride-share, recruiting friends and family to help out - plan to share how one of my sweet friends ordered bunch of shirts for S that will hopefully last this school year. She later texted, “You have enough on your plate, let me take care of this for you”.
Making true friends, spending time with people that inspire you, value you, love you and support you. And never losing your identity, being feminists, setting goals with the spouse, meeting and celebrating small wins. Lean in, lean out, lean all over. Staying away from toxic people, removing clutter, being a minimalist, not keeping up with the Joneses, marrying a nice supportive husband and above all, not being so hard on yourself and reach your individual full potential. You potential is different from your friend’s or colleagues, focus on yourself, appreciate friends and family that cook and clean for you, reward them with cash or kindness and above all - take a break sometimes. Like I am doing inside this box right now.
