After my intensive 16 hour training on Advanced Presentation, I made a good friend in my class. It was a very diverse group of individuals and this person and I instantly hit it off.
This blog is for her. She and I talked for hours, exchanged ideas and stories, experiences and lessons learnt. I found myself giving her some key tips around career development and being happy in life. I felt like a life coach for a second there.
Here are some tips that have worked for me to balance life and work, to have a happy, harmonious relationship with my boss and co-workers. I think these have been key to my success.
1) Learn to co-exist with your boss. My boss and I had a strange relationship and we did not hit it off instantly. I couldn't figure him out and vice versa. Strong personalities, I would say. One day I decided to take him out (yes, it is true) of the office for HH. After a few drinks, we opened up to each other and we started discussing and sharing our aspirations and concerns. I instantly understood what was needed to be done, I asked him to share his commitments with me (it is an official document) and I took a part of it and said he should give me 6 month to work on that specific piece. If I am successful, we both win. He did and boy did we both win. I took care of a big program and drove millions of $$ for the team and it was one of my biggest success stories. So, tip number 1, talk to your boss openly. Ego doesn't help you here. Try to know him/her more and you will figure that they are not as shrewd and cunning after all. My boss and I only text each other these days. We are that close now.
2) Don't be negative. We tend to complain a lot sometimes. Don't do it. Have 1-2 key people in your team that you can trust and vent your frustrations only to them. Do not randomly go around discussing how frustrated you are about a particular process, your boss, a co-worker or anything regarding anything. If you are frustrated about your work, process, only talk to your boss. Do not talk to your boss about anyone else on the team negatively or complain about others. It will not help you in the long term. So, think before you open that mouth, always be aware of who is the listener. This can be pretty critical sometimes.
3) Always try to stay positive and smile. We have had some rough times at work, process breaks, deals don't close on time, invoices are stuck last minute. Breathe. Challenge. Do not give up. I have always challenged myths and "processes" at work. I work for one of the biggest companies in the world, but I still challenge process and hope to change some silly ones. I have been successful sometimes. Not that I don't like processes at all, they are good, but not at all times.
4) Try to understand what others do. One of the key differentiators for me has been, I have never had the same role for 2 years. My role keeps changing depending on my team's requirement. I am the problem solver of my team. So, once I solve a problem, it rarely occurs again. I need to jump to the next problem and the next and the next. Apart from closing deals, I always take a stretch project to solve a complicated problem that year. One such problem has been my Operations people. They sit in a remote place in the US and not many people care about them. Sales folks are only interested in $$. We normally don't care what goes behind some of those complex invoicing process. When Operations broke every Quarter, we all used to be extremely stressef out. I did not give up. I went to my team's managers and asked them to send me to the remote location to understand how they actually process a particular Purchase Order and Invoice them. I bought them all pizza and understood and listened to their concerns. It was enlightening. We are on first-name basis now and all I need to do when invoices get stuck is to pick up the phone and call one of those guys in the remote area. They know exactly what needs to be done for me.
5) Follow up with your manager. I usually have 1:1 every other week with my manager. He is a super busy person, so he almost always tries to do it atleast once a month. Apart from texting each other, we also need some face time without any disturbance. And I always ask him, every single time, " What do you think I can do better". "What am I doing wrong?". He is always amazed when I ask him that question and mostly comes up with, " You are doing everything right, you are my rock star". That is important. Not only for your ego and self-motivation, but also to validate that you both are on the same page and there are no surprises.
Today, I got a nice email from my boss's boss congratulating me about a special program for employees that advance faster than average employees. I am in a special bucket that allows me to develop faster into managerial or Sr. Individual Contributor roles. I work very hard, but I work smarter.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Ceaser's First word!
Do you know what is my favorite scene from Rise of the Planet of the Apes? The one when Ceaser says the 2 letter word - "NO" in response to the very famous line, "Take your stinkin' paws off of me, you damn dirty ape!" Even thinking about it gives me the chills!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLeWbA8hHao
If you haven't watched the movie, here is the link to the scene!
If Ceaser, an ape, can say that 2 letter word, why can't you and I? It is just a simple word! But, why do we still have a hard time using those words to express our emotions? Are we really honest and true to ourselves whenever we nod our head and say "Yes", "Of course", "Sure", "Why Not!!"
A battered wife, an abused child, a selfish friend, a mean boyfriend, a demanding boss... think about all the issues at home, work and even in the society that can be prevented, by saying No.
For people that do not know, I have a therapist I see every other week, he is more like my life coach. When we started talking, I was this extremely used, always abiding "friend" that everyone was always ready to ask for help and wanted around for amusement. Hey Arti, can you book my tickets, hey Arti can you take care of this for me, Hey Arti, can you help fix this issue, Hey Arti, you look so fat, Hey Arti, blah blah blah!!
And the sad part was, I was ok with it. I thought I was being nice, being a good friend, being kind and compassionate, so wanted to be liked and wanted by everyone. There was the problem. A person with low self-worth feels that way, always accomodating, always complying, always ready to drop everything and run after someone else. That took me months to understand. He tried very hard, he tried to get to me through psychological theories, graphs, facts and what not. But, we both knew, I could do it ONLY if I wanted to. We both waited for weeks! And it was finally time. (I won't get into details, because I know it might hurt one of the readers.)
And he finally congratulated me for being "Ready". And he made me practise a simple exercise, "Saying No to one person every day". Be it the Barista that made a bad Chai, someone who served me Cherry tomatoes when I clearly told him not to, a friend who wanted to talk to me so bad when I was in a meeting or with Sam, Someone who wanted to borrow something, even if it was something insignificant. He wanted me to practice saying No on a regular basis for very small things. One step at a time, he told me.
That was when I understood that Saying No was not a bad thing after all. You can be extremely polite and just express how you feel or how something isn't acceptable. That's when we both decided to type an email to a friend that owed me money and asked her to pay it immediately. And NO, I couldn't wait anymore! The old Arti would have never bothered, but the Arti that wouldn't let others take advantage of her did. It was a breakthrough. It was like $100, but it worked.
Slowly, I began saying No and pushing back things at work. Even if I knew the answer, I said it wasn't within my scope (not my job basically) and let them figure stuff out themselves. People were shocked, surprised, but didnot seem to mind. Appreciated that I let them know! Slowly, I started doing meaningful work, more quality work. And work at a higher level than before.
Slowly, I applied it to everything, I started thinking, "Is this something I am comfortable with? Or Am I doing this just to please somebody?" A perfect example would be, Sam's Occupational Therapists kept changing in a particular agency and I wasn't pleased. I took the effort to let the agency know how I felt about the changes and how it is not the right thing for a child that doesn't like changes in the first place. I said, No, I was not going to send him there anymore!. I canceled all his future sessions and found a private therapist that has been working well for us. Then, I found myself saying No to my husband for not wanting to participate in certain events because I felt uncomfortable around some people. It certainly worked!
"No" is a very important word. It is more important than "Yes" sometimes. And critical to one's success, in career, in personal life and in gaining inner peace and self-respect. You need to be aware of your feelings, acknowledge it and confirm by saying "No". It is called "self-awareness" and it is extremely helpful to live a fulfiling, confident and independent life. I now say No - to anyone that calls me fat, or doesn't appreciate me- No that is NOT acceptable. That is mean. I drew a line, a boundary that only probably Sam is allowed to cross at times!
I still help friends and am still kind and compassionate to people that appreciate me. Others, can just try to get over themselves!
I am still practising and not completely there yet.
One thing to remember is, I have started to lose some people in my life, I identify the ones that respect my time, space and limits and you know what, I am going to be just OK without them after all! :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLeWbA8hHao
If you haven't watched the movie, here is the link to the scene!
If Ceaser, an ape, can say that 2 letter word, why can't you and I? It is just a simple word! But, why do we still have a hard time using those words to express our emotions? Are we really honest and true to ourselves whenever we nod our head and say "Yes", "Of course", "Sure", "Why Not!!"
A battered wife, an abused child, a selfish friend, a mean boyfriend, a demanding boss... think about all the issues at home, work and even in the society that can be prevented, by saying No.
For people that do not know, I have a therapist I see every other week, he is more like my life coach. When we started talking, I was this extremely used, always abiding "friend" that everyone was always ready to ask for help and wanted around for amusement. Hey Arti, can you book my tickets, hey Arti can you take care of this for me, Hey Arti, can you help fix this issue, Hey Arti, you look so fat, Hey Arti, blah blah blah!!
And the sad part was, I was ok with it. I thought I was being nice, being a good friend, being kind and compassionate, so wanted to be liked and wanted by everyone. There was the problem. A person with low self-worth feels that way, always accomodating, always complying, always ready to drop everything and run after someone else. That took me months to understand. He tried very hard, he tried to get to me through psychological theories, graphs, facts and what not. But, we both knew, I could do it ONLY if I wanted to. We both waited for weeks! And it was finally time. (I won't get into details, because I know it might hurt one of the readers.)
And he finally congratulated me for being "Ready". And he made me practise a simple exercise, "Saying No to one person every day". Be it the Barista that made a bad Chai, someone who served me Cherry tomatoes when I clearly told him not to, a friend who wanted to talk to me so bad when I was in a meeting or with Sam, Someone who wanted to borrow something, even if it was something insignificant. He wanted me to practice saying No on a regular basis for very small things. One step at a time, he told me.
That was when I understood that Saying No was not a bad thing after all. You can be extremely polite and just express how you feel or how something isn't acceptable. That's when we both decided to type an email to a friend that owed me money and asked her to pay it immediately. And NO, I couldn't wait anymore! The old Arti would have never bothered, but the Arti that wouldn't let others take advantage of her did. It was a breakthrough. It was like $100, but it worked.
Slowly, I began saying No and pushing back things at work. Even if I knew the answer, I said it wasn't within my scope (not my job basically) and let them figure stuff out themselves. People were shocked, surprised, but didnot seem to mind. Appreciated that I let them know! Slowly, I started doing meaningful work, more quality work. And work at a higher level than before.
Slowly, I applied it to everything, I started thinking, "Is this something I am comfortable with? Or Am I doing this just to please somebody?" A perfect example would be, Sam's Occupational Therapists kept changing in a particular agency and I wasn't pleased. I took the effort to let the agency know how I felt about the changes and how it is not the right thing for a child that doesn't like changes in the first place. I said, No, I was not going to send him there anymore!. I canceled all his future sessions and found a private therapist that has been working well for us. Then, I found myself saying No to my husband for not wanting to participate in certain events because I felt uncomfortable around some people. It certainly worked!
"No" is a very important word. It is more important than "Yes" sometimes. And critical to one's success, in career, in personal life and in gaining inner peace and self-respect. You need to be aware of your feelings, acknowledge it and confirm by saying "No". It is called "self-awareness" and it is extremely helpful to live a fulfiling, confident and independent life. I now say No - to anyone that calls me fat, or doesn't appreciate me- No that is NOT acceptable. That is mean. I drew a line, a boundary that only probably Sam is allowed to cross at times!
I still help friends and am still kind and compassionate to people that appreciate me. Others, can just try to get over themselves!
I am still practising and not completely there yet.
One thing to remember is, I have started to lose some people in my life, I identify the ones that respect my time, space and limits and you know what, I am going to be just OK without them after all! :-)
Sunday, October 7, 2012
What to expect when you are NOT expecting!!
Isn't "What to expect when you are expecting" a very famous book for pregnant women? I never read it when I was pregnant. I am glad I didnot. I bet the book doesn't talk about expecting a special needs child!!
I have recently started working with a UW Grad student on his project about our family. He is tasked to spend a few days with us while eating out, grocery shopping, watching a movie etc.. and write about it as his Grad school "Project". He just sent me a draft and I found myself crying after I finished reading it. That is what prompted me to start this topic today!
I talk about Sam all the time. I have to admit, I was not a very excited pregnant woman, I had few failed pregnancies before Sam was born. I was very keen on having a child early, as my mother had me early and could get rid of me when she turned 45 and I felt that was how I wanted to live too. Raise your child well, send them to good schools and just check on them if and when needed. Travel the world, have fun, do a few good things and die! Boy, was I wrong!! I thought I had it ALL planned! Sam was not a very pretty baby (I think some babies are just not pretty, which is fine! Reminds me of a hilarious Sienfeld episode) and he was a very "odd" baby! He never followed me everywhere, never "missed" me when I went to work. He seemed very content and satisfied with himself. I thought it was very easy to raise a child and couldn't understand why my mother fussed about it all the time, that I was always hungry and always clung to her when I was little!
And then he was diagnosed with autism at 3 and the rest is known to everyone. Now, he is 8. Speaks a little, gets through his school days with his reading, writing and Math skills and a VERY sweet smile! He actually is a very "easy" kid. He used to be difficult, I was always nervous to take him out anywhere. All these years of painfully organising and managing dozens of therapies has been rewarding. It started with a brutal gluten-free diet, B-12 shots on his butt every other day, tons of supplements for Calcium, Vit D deficiencies, speech therapy, Occupational Therapy, Hippo-therapy, Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy, Auditory Integration Therapy, Yoga, Floortime, ABA to name just a few!! All with a full-time job and some traveling and being a single mother for almost 2 of those 5 years! I did have GREAT nannies, therapists and friends. He is finally, a relatively easy kid. In the real sense!
Although, things don't end there, do they? Yeah yeah, I am a perfect mother, strong, dedicated, loving, brave and I always know what I need to do for my son. Right? Wrong! I have my days of confusions, my nights of crying alone quietly, my state of depression, my sadness, my panic calls to close friends, days I almost give-up, days I just need to be left alone with a drink, days I have locked myself up to not lose it, days I have taken long drives for no reason.... I have done all of that and some! It has been hard to cope with his disability, yes, even for me! And you guys should believe that. Because, hearing inspirational "advice" is not what I want every single time. Sometimes, All I need is a nod, a smile, a hug and just SILENCE!! Like a good Bartender! :-)
The past and the present are good, sailing where and when the wind is strong. The future seems to worry me, scares me a little! I always see lots of "Assisted Living" facilities in Seattle and wonder how much they cost and if they are good and take care of the disabled and old well. Finally, we took a step towards securing his future last week and set aside some funds when he turns 18 and after our deaths. I know some of my friends and relatives think it is too early and "unnecessary", but hey, I know my child and I don't want to take that chance. The acceptance that he will need support for the rest of his life has finally sunk in and I am glad I have enough time, money and resources to set aside for him. My goal is to make him get out of the house by 21 and live independently but close to me. We plan to do everything for his future so that he will not have any financial liability or will need external support. Parents with special needs kids have this unique challenge of supporting their kids not only till their lifetime, but also for the child's lifetime after their deaths. It is a very hard fact to face and a choice to make! So, when my friends with normal kids say, " Ah! Raising any kid is difficult and all kids have issues", is a sentence I have practised to ignore these days!
Our next step is to consider a trust, a guardian and keep our fingers crossed that the people we trust do their duties with a kind and noble heart!
Maybe, one day, he will start communicating and start making friends, enjoy dating and even get married, have kids, go to college, hold a job! But, if there is one thing I have learnt all these years, it is to never take life for granted. Never take Sam for granted. Never not be prepared for anything. I know exactly how my day is going to be like tomorrow and the day after and the day after that!!
And pregnancy books like, "What to expect when you are expecting" will never tell us these!
I have recently started working with a UW Grad student on his project about our family. He is tasked to spend a few days with us while eating out, grocery shopping, watching a movie etc.. and write about it as his Grad school "Project". He just sent me a draft and I found myself crying after I finished reading it. That is what prompted me to start this topic today!
I talk about Sam all the time. I have to admit, I was not a very excited pregnant woman, I had few failed pregnancies before Sam was born. I was very keen on having a child early, as my mother had me early and could get rid of me when she turned 45 and I felt that was how I wanted to live too. Raise your child well, send them to good schools and just check on them if and when needed. Travel the world, have fun, do a few good things and die! Boy, was I wrong!! I thought I had it ALL planned! Sam was not a very pretty baby (I think some babies are just not pretty, which is fine! Reminds me of a hilarious Sienfeld episode) and he was a very "odd" baby! He never followed me everywhere, never "missed" me when I went to work. He seemed very content and satisfied with himself. I thought it was very easy to raise a child and couldn't understand why my mother fussed about it all the time, that I was always hungry and always clung to her when I was little!
And then he was diagnosed with autism at 3 and the rest is known to everyone. Now, he is 8. Speaks a little, gets through his school days with his reading, writing and Math skills and a VERY sweet smile! He actually is a very "easy" kid. He used to be difficult, I was always nervous to take him out anywhere. All these years of painfully organising and managing dozens of therapies has been rewarding. It started with a brutal gluten-free diet, B-12 shots on his butt every other day, tons of supplements for Calcium, Vit D deficiencies, speech therapy, Occupational Therapy, Hippo-therapy, Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy, Auditory Integration Therapy, Yoga, Floortime, ABA to name just a few!! All with a full-time job and some traveling and being a single mother for almost 2 of those 5 years! I did have GREAT nannies, therapists and friends. He is finally, a relatively easy kid. In the real sense!
Although, things don't end there, do they? Yeah yeah, I am a perfect mother, strong, dedicated, loving, brave and I always know what I need to do for my son. Right? Wrong! I have my days of confusions, my nights of crying alone quietly, my state of depression, my sadness, my panic calls to close friends, days I almost give-up, days I just need to be left alone with a drink, days I have locked myself up to not lose it, days I have taken long drives for no reason.... I have done all of that and some! It has been hard to cope with his disability, yes, even for me! And you guys should believe that. Because, hearing inspirational "advice" is not what I want every single time. Sometimes, All I need is a nod, a smile, a hug and just SILENCE!! Like a good Bartender! :-)
The past and the present are good, sailing where and when the wind is strong. The future seems to worry me, scares me a little! I always see lots of "Assisted Living" facilities in Seattle and wonder how much they cost and if they are good and take care of the disabled and old well. Finally, we took a step towards securing his future last week and set aside some funds when he turns 18 and after our deaths. I know some of my friends and relatives think it is too early and "unnecessary", but hey, I know my child and I don't want to take that chance. The acceptance that he will need support for the rest of his life has finally sunk in and I am glad I have enough time, money and resources to set aside for him. My goal is to make him get out of the house by 21 and live independently but close to me. We plan to do everything for his future so that he will not have any financial liability or will need external support. Parents with special needs kids have this unique challenge of supporting their kids not only till their lifetime, but also for the child's lifetime after their deaths. It is a very hard fact to face and a choice to make! So, when my friends with normal kids say, " Ah! Raising any kid is difficult and all kids have issues", is a sentence I have practised to ignore these days!
Our next step is to consider a trust, a guardian and keep our fingers crossed that the people we trust do their duties with a kind and noble heart!
Maybe, one day, he will start communicating and start making friends, enjoy dating and even get married, have kids, go to college, hold a job! But, if there is one thing I have learnt all these years, it is to never take life for granted. Never take Sam for granted. Never not be prepared for anything. I know exactly how my day is going to be like tomorrow and the day after and the day after that!!
And pregnancy books like, "What to expect when you are expecting" will never tell us these!
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