Hey Ram!!

My phone rang this morning at 10 am from a Buddhist mentor I hadn't met. She really wanted to meet me. In May 2010, when I was looking for something to guide me in the right direction, I thought it was Buddhism. I started attending some events and meetings and I was told to read a book that was in Japanese. I was a little confused, because I thought Buddhism was more about a way of life than about reading books and scriptures. In 2011, I decided it was not what I wanted. I didnot even understand what I was chanting anymore. I did see trememdous benefits from reading about buddhism, the teachings, the phases of Buddhism. So I emailed (this is the same time as I was learning to say No to people), that I wanted out of these meetings, because I didnot find any value or motivation to go to them. It felt just like my mom forcing me to go to a temple.

Let me step back 27 years, I was 6, I was an expert in reciting Hindu slogans and was extremely religious. Not a day went by, when I went to school without ashes on my forehead. I had a strict practice and knew Suprabhatam and Kandashashti Kavasham like I could recite in my sleep. And then, I grew up. My parents were and are still very religious. We come from the group of Hindus that are supposedly ranked the highest in the society, called Brahmins. I was probably proud to be one those days. I was surrounded by Brahmin friends, went to school with Brahmin friends and ended up living near Brahmins. So, you can imagine how much peer pressure there was for me. Brahmin is a strange community, too strict, too many rules and regulations for me to follow. I am normally against any religion that teaches to kill people, abduct and "test" women and expect too much respect just because someone is older than you. But, that's just me. And a religion, that teaches, that it is the only religion that matters is something I am really not comfortable with. I get to choose my religion not because I was born into a certain family or married into a certain family. I get to choose because it suits my way of life and my vision for the future.

Then I started meeting friends and people from other religions, when I started moving around in India. I started asking questions to my parents and others, what does Suprabhat even mean? Why are we reciting it? Why do people get married in front of fire and recite slogans for hours? And why is the woman suppressed? Why is Sita still worshipped as the epitome of wife-hood (I know that's not a word, but you get my point), and Kannagi, who burnt a whole city because her husband was murdered unfairly was never worshipped. Why was I told to be "girly" and be a Sita to my future husband and not fight for justice like Kannagi? Why is divorce frowned upon? Why is remarriage frowned upon? Why are widowed women not even allowed to dress up or attend important family events? Why should we give dowry or anything to the guy who I am going to spend the rest of my life with? Why couldn't I have friends from other religions? Why couldn't someone marry someone from another religion or community ? I was 13! My mom knew right away what a problem I was becoming and asked me if I was ever going to marry a Brahmin boy. I said, "Umm sounds a little boring ma!. I dont think I can ever marry a Tamilian, no offense!". And they accepted it, I guess.

My slongans eventually stopped, no ashes on my forehead, I knew what was fair and unfair and how I wanted to be treated by everyone, family and otherwise. I was always this rebel in the family. And, in a way I liked it. I thought everyone was so naive to even spend so much time and money on something they don't even fully understand. Religion, they say, is supposed to make your life better, happier, richer and what not. I don't think any of my relatives who are strict Brahmins are richer, happier or better today. I stopped calling myself a Hindu. I started becoming more global, dreaded going to temples and eventually stopped. Even today, when my mom calls and asked me to donate money for a temple because they want to buy some gold on our behalf, I strictcly say, No way! I would rather donate that money feeding the poor. Seriously! We have our fights and our differences. But, I know she secretly admires my guts.

I still keep hearing snarky comments like, Sam's autism was caused because I stopped going to temples or that I don't believe in Lord Ram or Shiva or one of those 1000 gods. I even refused to name my son after a god and named him "Sambhav" which means "possibility". I even tried going to churches to see why Christians were so much more fun than the Hindus. Didnot work for me, I felt pressurised there too. Rules and regulations have never attracted me. I later realised recently, that all I was looking for was something that makes sense to me. I learnt through my experiences that Karma is my tool. Do good, good will follow, do bad, you need to balance your Karma. I have heard comments that Sam's autism, my divorce is all because of my bad Karma or my ancestor's bad Karma. Well, for all those that say that, I normally challenge them that I am happily married than most of them anyways. I remember a friend even telling me, "how come you got married twice and to a great guy, with a special needs child and I cannot even get married once". I couldn't stop laughing. Marriage is about love, and you can find love anytime, anywhere. And Sam's autism is an opportunity for me to think beyond me and my home. Trust me, I wouldn't want any other child, even if I go back in time today. He is just perfect in his own way. Just like you and me. And, that Buddha has validated for me. He doesn't discriminate. Period. I recently got an idol of Buddha from Sagar's cousin. Though I am against idol worship, the look on his face in my living room soothes me sometimes. So preaceful, so patient.

So, fast forward to 2010, I saw someone at Starbucks. I went to her and told her, "I am so lost". And she said, "Let me help you". We both knew this was more than getting street directions. I found my mentor for Buddhism. I read up the phases, I got really interested. However, I was constantly asked to attend meetings, recite Japanese slogans, chat, talk, meet and it was getting really annoying for me at one point. That's when I decided that I was going to learn Buddism my way. I was going to donate part of my salary, I was going to help people, be nice to everyone, learn to be patient, control my anger, love animals, love kids, love my friends, family and not discriminate and stop being a psuedo-racist. Basically, Starting to become better to enhance my life. This is MY way of life, my religion. No book, priest is going to teach me how many times I am supposed to pray or donate or get a new saree for an idol (trust me!), donate in so much gold in a temple. Nope!

Donate in people, it is more rewarding.

Luckily for me, my husband totally does not care. He just makes fun of me and forgets all about it. I have learnt while trying to find peace that I can only find it right here, in my mind and not in a temple or group meeting or praying in Japanese.

So, back to today's call, the Buddist region leader called me and she asked me why I was not attending the "meetings" and I told her my views on reciting meaningless mantras and learning nothing out of them. She agreed to meet me at the dog park today and said, "Arti, you are one of the rarest people I have met in my 40 years of practising Buddhism. You have questioned the things that many people don't because they want instant benefits out of it. Here is a book, learn it and we will discuss it next time". And that my friends is what religion is all about. It is a way of life and it can ONLY be found inside yourself. And obviously, this is strictly my opinion.

I-don't-know-how-she-does-it

This is a Carrie Bradshaw (the girl from Sex and the City) movie that flopped miserably at the box office. I normally don't want anything to do with her. She kindda annoys me. But, please read on.

I have been planning to write this for sometime now. Sam's therapist is home and is working with him for the next 2 hours. Sipping some juice (no caffeine after lunch is my new policy) and settling down in front of the heater, with the dog at my feet, I share these best practices.

I have been noticing something for a while lately. Everyone is busy, running, forgetful, stressed out, trying to juggle lots of things at one time, multi-tasking, worried, unable to sleep and the list goes on. I am one of those too, but the intensity has reduced significantly in the last 2 years. When I went to India this time, it struck me a lot. Though India has its own drawbacks around traffic (worse than LA) and getting things done on time efficiently, there are also perks like servants to cook, clean, do dishes, laundry. These are unaffordable in this coutry. Still, it seemed like everyone is busy busy busy.... unorganised, not managing time very well, stressed out, less time for family, hobbies and pleasure activities.

Almost everyone, except my mother, asked me one question, "How do you do it, Arti?". How do you manage everything, we are just so busy. A year ago, the word "busy" used to annoy me. I thought being "Busy" is an excuse to avoid doing things, taking resposibility. I stopped saying I was busy. I just stopped it. Went cold turkey. A neighbor who met me once a year because she was "busy", a cousin who never called me except to ask for money because she had been busy, people on facebook always tell me they are so busy and ask how I get the time to change profile pictures! Not sure if that is a compliment or an insult. Nope, I am never busy. My busiest days are probably Dec 31 and June 30th, because of year end issues at work. I was juggling a lot, taking up more than I could handle until I realised a few facts and tricks. I am going to share this secret with you all and let you take a look at my life and how things are not always as difficult as they look. Even with a special needs child and practically single for a year with a full time job and house to maintain all by myself (learning to change light bulbs this weekend and rake leaves in the front yard, phew), I still have time to catch a movie with a friend, go for Happy Hour with peers, take the dog out to the park, have sleep overs for Sam, invite friends home, get a massage, get a hair cut, apply make-up before going to work (this is new!), get decently dressed, make breakfast and dinner and watch HBO and even write this blog.

1. Get good sleep - I recommend 8-9 hours of sleep every night if you have the luxury or atleast 6 hours and 9 hours during weekends. Tricks I am going to apply this year - do not watch TV to go to sleep, do not open your laptop, turn off all the lights and let the dog out no matter how cold it is. I almost wake up everyday around 3 am and it freaks me out and reminds me of Paranormal Activity.
No alarms for me as my dog always whines at 6. I am also a morning person, so going to sleep by 11 has always been easy for me.

2. Wake up by 6 - Not that I go running or do Yoga at 6, I login at 6 and clear up most of my inbox by 7 am. I also boil potatoes or whatever is needed in this time. I sit with a cup of chai and just realx. I have scheduled calls at this hour with the east coast folks. It feels like half my day's work is already done. At 7:30, Sam wakes up (I have a rule, if he doesn't wake up himself then he didnot get a good night sleep), force him to shower and he dresses up himself and eats his heavy breakfast of 3 egg omlette or 3 dosas, 8 strawberries, a bowl of yogurt and OJ. He does this EVERY morning. When your child eats so well in the morning, the day has started off pretty good already. So, invest in time for breakfast. I always eat a bar and drink a glass of OJ. My goal is to have breakfast with him every morning this year.

3. It's ok to be late - I am a VERY punctual person, if someone gives me a time, I have got to be there. No matter what. This used to be extremely stressful for me as I time myself everyday. If it takes 11 mins to go from my house to Sam's school, I wouldn't start before 8:49. Today, I started at 8:40, made it by 8:51 and spoke to his teachers, chatted with a few parents and hugged and kissed him. However, I am trying hard not to beat myself up if I am 2-5 mins late. (I am not being totally honest here!). If you are late 2 out of 10 times, it is ok. I have learnt this the hard way by scratching my car while running to a meeting. So, calm freaking down already. However, let people know if you are late by more than 10 whole minutes. I get really pissed if people make me wait longer without informing me.

4. Invest in a good phone - Whether you are an ardent Microsoft fan or use one of those Andriods or Apples, doesn't matter, just get a good smart phone. Use the calender, because it beeps and reminds you of stuff. I use my calender for everything. Right from scheduling massage appointments to paying my credit card bills. I also obviously use it for work, but they are 2 different accounts I have set up and I don't reveal my private appointment details to my team, but they do know when I am working and what times I am out in a given day. Also, all of Sam's therapists and Sam's dad use a Google calender so that everyone knows where Sam is, who is picking up, dropping him, when is he on vacation, school schedule, field trips, conferences and what not. This way, noone needs to remember anything. Investing 5-10 mins every week to enter all the information and making changes are going to save you tons of time and money. I also have unlimited Text messages as Sam's therapists love to text and it is easier than talking for sure. It has worked wonderfully for me. Before I shred my mails, I do take a picture of important bills and such. This way I don't have to spend time looking for a specific thing. I just need to like in my phone pictures. Even when someone gives me his card, I take a picture. I do not save physical cards. I will definitely lose it.

5. Share apps and calenders - My husband and I share "Evernote". He orders Gorceries and Household items for me by just looking at what all I need in Seattle from India. It is on both our phones and he knows exactly what is in the pantry and what is needed. One of us buys it and edits evernote. It is all in the cloud. We also have online banking (there is no physical bank) and we scan and deposit checks, we have set auto-pay, e-bills and pay people from our accounts online. So, use some good apps and share it with your spouse or whoever manages money in your house. This way, I dont have to remind him to deposit a check, get onions and get a gift for our anniversary ;-). We also use "Mint" to share financial information. If you are comfortable sharing your accounts with your spouse or partner, this is great. It has Zillow for property value on a given day, 401k, stocks or whatever investment accounts you hold, all banks, all credit cards, every $ that is spent from each credit card/account and catogerises your spending pattern in grocery, restaurants, school, gas, donations and what not for a given month. It is an extremely useful app and also triggers if you overspend, so it is good for fraud detection too. I also personally use a Voice recorder these days, it is a Windows phone app. Whenever I remember something and cannot type because I am walking or driving or doing something else, I just open the app and remind myself "Remember to take dog to vet". Then when I come home, I check my VR and call the vet and schedule appt and put the appt in my calender. This is key. Apart from all this, I email myself everytime I remember something. This has worked the best for me. "Get Dosa atta from Indian store" is always on my email every Monday :-)

6. Buy a good bluetooth : Most of those social calls and calls to parents can be done when you are driving. I normally do this when I drive to work in the mornings. Do not text and drive though. It is dangerous. My bluetooth also tells me every time an email or calender pops up, so I don't have to be anxious about why my phone just beeped while driving. Ok, I admit, I wear my bluetooth while cooking sometimes. When I am traveling this is also useful to tell me directions from my phone. So, no mapquest print outs and GPSs for me. Everything is done through one device, my phone.

7. Donate or do something nice: Do good and good will follow. Whatever cause you can relate to, donate time/money or talent. It not only gives you great satisfaction, but also gives you a purpose for your existence. I hear many people say that life is a rat race. It is all so materialistic, you earn and buy a new house, new car, raise kids and die. Not if you choose to donate. I was recently awarded the "Community Advocate of Autism Community in Washington State", I raise anywhere from $2k to $5k a year for Sam's school and volunteer 80 hours a year in non-profit work. I have washed dogs in the Humane Society, I have driven special needs kids to watch Nutcracker, cleaned up school playgrounds, carried furniture. It is a very fulfilling experience and trust me, doing that will not only expose you to wonderful people and organisations, but also to the new you. You will be surprised how life-changing this can be. Try it, you won't complain so much about life anymore! And encourage people to do it too. You will also feel how fortunate you are to be healthy and financially adequate unlike others you serve. It will make you feel grateful and change your view that life is indeed bigger than you and your home.

8. Listen to music or read self-help books: On my way driving back from work, I always listen to my favortie songs I have on my phone. Great stress busters for me. I try to do Natasha's "Unwritten" or Miley's "Climb" or "Margazhi Poove". If I am pissed at my husband, I try "Chura Liya" or "Truly Madly Deeply". These were our songs when we dated. When I miss him, I listen to "Po nee po". I also downloaded a Tamil comedian's video (Santhanam) and watch it if I feel sad. It always uplifts my mood. I have read almost 6 self-help books, most of them women-oriented, on time-management, career management, marriage, happiness, Emotional Quotient etc.. My life-coach highly enourages me to read about Hillary Clinton. I have to do that soon. So, anything to calm you down. Mental stress is more consuming than physical stress. When Sam cries loudly or does something to upset me, I always remember to stay clam. If I get upset, he gets extremey upset too.

9. Embrace change: I hear lot of people saying, why should I change, I am good the way I am. Or he/she wouldn't change because of age or personality or whatever reason. I ask you not to change for others, change for yourself. I am very stubborn too, I never wanted an extravagant wedding, I paid my parents off every penny they spent on my education, I am very particular about money and what we do with it, I always love taking vacations. However, if you notice, all these quirks are for myself. I cannot change these things because I don't want to, as they have only given me pride and pleasure. However, if I am annoying, nagging, gossipping, opening up to "friends", then I only end up getting hurt and stressed out. So, changing yourself for your own good is a great thing you can do to yourself. If watching TV until 1 am is causing you stress the next morning, this needs to be changed. I have come to believe that change happens with me and if I change my circumstances change.

10. Make good friends and make the relationship professional - I have very few friends here in Seattle, my husband always laughs when I tell him that we should invite all our friends, because we only have a handful. I have a few good mom-friends that I can always depend on. You know who you are. If I need ANY help with Sam, they are always there for me. However, I never take our relationship for granted, we negotiate, we work out a plan, swap schedules and free up each other's time, carpool and arrange sleep-overs. Sometimes, all you have to do is ASK! People are always willing to help you if you ask and help them too. My other close friend V is my rock. I am "cool" with her because we have no expectations from each other. However, I know if I need anything, she is there for me. As I age, I have learnt to identify who is going to work for my family, schedule and mutual benefit. It works, try it. Be honest and professional and also be caring and loving, when needed.

11. Enjoy yourself - I have some extreme cheap thrills, like watching the first show of Kamal Hassan or Surya or Shanning Taatum's movies. Or, eating at a specific restaurant, driving to Taco Bell at 11 to quench that sick Taco craving, Going to an outlet mall and buying a $40 purse that is worth $300 and being extremely proud of the bargain, getting a foster dog, jumping on the trampoline with Sam, cleaning my house (I am weird), getting a massage (just got one today), buying all those cheap unnecessary items on groupon once in a while, looking at tickets to Hawaii every week - just in case, going out with a girlfriend and b%*&$ about everyone, watching a horror movie even though you know it is going to freak you out, watching horrific serial killer true stories, watching Law and Order SVU, American Horror Story and Criminal minds EVERY SINGLE week, using the jacuzzi, watching crappy Tamil movies during weekends. Life is not all about work, money, husband, kids, in-laws, parents, friends, bosses and society. Life is mostly about you.

12. Develop a good sense of humor :  This is probably the best thing I have learnt from my husband. To learn to crack jokes. And to learn to laugh at myself. Sometimes, it works to make fun of things and move on. We make fun of everything, right from burning a pizza to Sam's autism. After I met my husband, life is just not so serious. He gave me what I needed the most, laughter. We love watching funny movies like Hang Over and laughing for the same jokes we crack almost every day. If we have nothing left, we end up betting that whoever laughs in the next few mins is the loser. Yeah, we are so silly. But, it has always worked. I have had some horrible times with Sam and his autism and my husband always made fun of the situation to make it lighter for me. We have a rule, only one person is allowed to be serious. So, laugh out loud, laugh at yourself and develop a decent sense of humor. It makes things so much simpler than they seem.

13. Outsource: I have a rule, I always pick up Sam. I used to feel so guilty that I was not so involved like other moms at school that don't work, until I realised a trick. Always pick up Sam. So, I block 3:30-4 on my calender so that noone books any meetings at those times. I am there, outside his school, waiting to hear how his day was, what worked and what didnot. If I miss a day, I make sure the teachers email me his day's activities and share it with the google group. I also outsource his therapy co-ordination to a girl I hired this summer. She manages his calender and his google group and co-ordinates with Speech, Occupational, Yoga and therapists at school. There are 11 members in the google group including his dad. This has been a breakthrough for us, because every single person that meets Sam in a given day knows what his latest quirky habits are and what upsets and doesn't upset him. Also, I outcourse drop-off, I call other moms or my husband for help. I ASK! I love to clean my house, so I haven't outsourced it yet. I only order groceries from amazon.com. It is not very cheap, but, it makes you buy only what is needed. I don't seem to waste food anymore as I buy only what is needed for those 2 weeks. I shop online. Period. Right from Butch's poop bags to Nexus tablets, we shop on amazon.com. I don't remember the last time I went to Radio Shack/ Office Depot. I also try to buy pants for Sam from a friend. She works at this shop and I give her the size and trust her taste. She buys the perfect clothes for Sam. I pay her and pick up the clothes. I have never not liked what she has chosen for Sam in the last 3 years. She is AWESOME. So, outsource whenever you can, you CANNOT do everything.

14. GET HELP -  All the 13 points I have listed above happened because I identified I needed help. I could not go on with so much on my plate. I worked with my life-coach on all the 13 things above. Though there are some qualities inherent to my personality, he helped me take it one step further. He is not emotionally attached to me, he encourages me to ask for a raise, he advises me on marital and relationship issues. He has been extremely helpful. So, when you feel you cannot handle it anymore or life is overwhelming, go and get help from someone professional. Make sure this person is not attached to you in anyway as he needs to see things through a different set of lenses. It can be expensive, but I swear by it. Admit you need help and get it.

So, no matter how hard it is, there is always a way to have fun, organise yourself and make time for everyone. It is fun, trust me.








 

The world did not end after all....

Writing this on my way back from Puerto Rico.... a quick conference and a little vacation with Sam. I am glad we started the year on such a positive and bright note.

My employer just makes life so much easier for me sometimes. I finished 5 years at Microsoft (I am getting a small award for my "service" next month). Things are going great at work and I am stretching myself to do things I wasn't comfortable with before. I was a Keynote speaker for a Partner conference. A keynote is when all the conference members assemble in a big ballroom in a Hotel and it kicks off the day. They then disperse to several breakouts based on their interests. It freaked me out, I knew I was extremely comfortable with the content as I have been doing it for 5 years. A phone call to my husband, my father-in-law, who always encourages me and tries to relate to me, a quick FB post to receive some enouragement from my friends and mother and my own breathing techniques and colleagues, an email from my manager and peer - I rocked it. I was extremely pleased with my own performance. This was my first time addressing 200 people in a big room for an hour and handling questions on the fly. I think I found what I want to do as a next step in my career.

If you are thinking I was born a talender public speaker, you are terribly mistaken. I used to stammer a lot as a kid and my friends and family always made fun of me. When I moved to Delhi, my inability to speak in Hindi made it even harder for me. College did not motivate me to be on stage ever. I was great 1:1 in interviews and such, but public speaking terrified me. I clearly remember an incident with my ex-colleague at a small-scale conference in 2005. I couldn't even introduce myself to a room full of people. I was that terrified. My job at Microsoft made me cross that barrier. In order to grow, I had to share my complex knowledge of Microsoft licensing with people. My first conference was in SF, I was terrified because I had also just met my ex-boyfriend the previous day (who also ended up marrying me after 2 years). I pushed myself to participate in a radio show (NPR- SF) and answered questions live on autism. My manager encouraged me to take up various training classes and those really helped me a lot. This keynote is something no one on my team has done before, so this is going to be a big highlight for me at work this year. Thanks to all the people that made fun of me. Atleast their feedback helped me want to improve. I am proud of myself for turning things around for my own benefit.

This year is full of exciting events. I have a major presentation at work end of the month in my Career planning leadership program. I have some very creative ideas to present to my leadership team.

The highlight this year is family though. I miss my husband terribly and we plan to meet in Paris in exactly 77 days. Yay!! I have been prepping (nagging??) him to make it romantic and buy me a gift and give it to me under the Eiffel Tower. I do have some high hopes, don't I? Sam has been doing pretty well, so I am finally booking those tickets to India and taking him along. Hopefully, I should hit Singapore and meet some of my friends and their kids.

Getting to know the new family and in-laws has been exciting. I feel very appreciated and respected and I value the space that I am being given- which has been important to me recently. Though I was born in India, I was always perceived weird and different there. My mother always used to tell me, "You don't even belong here" and ofcourse it is all the MTV and Star Movies I watched as a teenager. Right. It is going to be a unique experience, I am definitely planning to have a good time with Sam and my husband there.

The power of love is truly unbelievable. I read somewhere that, when you are dying, you think about love and nothing else. Love brings so much happiness. Love for your spouse, kids, pets, friends, family and above all, love for onself. I know that for me, 2013 is going to be a year of love. Love growing with distance each day, love created by acceptance, love being a whole family. Here is to 2013. Cheers!

Work hard, but work smarter

After my intensive 16 hour training on Advanced Presentation, I made a good friend in my class. It was a very diverse group of individuals and this person and I instantly hit it off.

This blog is for her. She and I talked for hours, exchanged ideas and stories, experiences and lessons learnt. I found myself giving her some key tips around career development and being happy in life. I felt like a life coach for a second there.

Here are some tips that have worked for me to balance life and work, to have a happy, harmonious relationship with my boss and co-workers. I think these have been key to my success.

1) Learn to co-exist with your boss. My boss and I had a strange relationship and we did not hit it off instantly. I couldn't figure him out and vice versa. Strong personalities, I would say. One day I decided to take him out (yes, it is true) of the office for HH. After a few drinks, we opened up to each other and we started discussing and sharing our aspirations and concerns. I instantly understood what was needed to be done, I asked him to share his commitments with me (it is an official document) and I took a part of it and said he should give me 6 month to work on that specific piece. If I am successful, we both win. He did and boy did we both win. I took care of a big program and drove millions of $$ for the team and it was one of my biggest success stories. So, tip number 1, talk to your boss openly. Ego doesn't help you here. Try to know him/her more and you will figure that they are not as shrewd and cunning after all. My boss and I only text each other these days. We are that close now.

2) Don't be negative. We tend to complain a lot sometimes. Don't do it. Have 1-2 key people in your team that you can trust and vent your frustrations only to them. Do not randomly go around discussing how frustrated you are about a particular process, your boss, a co-worker or anything regarding anything. If you are frustrated about your work, process, only talk to your boss. Do not talk to your boss about anyone else on the team negatively or complain about others. It will not help you in the long term. So, think before you open that mouth, always be aware of who is the listener. This can be pretty critical sometimes.

3) Always try to stay positive and smile. We have had some rough times at work, process breaks, deals don't close on time, invoices are stuck last minute. Breathe. Challenge. Do not give up. I have always challenged myths and "processes" at work. I work for one of the biggest companies in the world, but I still challenge process and hope to change some silly ones. I have been successful sometimes. Not that I don't like processes at all, they are good, but not at all times.

4) Try to understand what others do. One of the key differentiators for me has been, I have never had the same role for 2 years. My role keeps changing depending on my team's requirement. I am the problem solver of my team. So, once I solve a problem, it rarely occurs again. I need to jump to the next problem and the next and the next. Apart from closing deals, I always take a stretch project to solve a complicated problem that year. One such problem has been my Operations people. They sit in a remote place in the US and not many people care about them. Sales folks are only interested in $$. We normally don't care what goes behind some of those complex invoicing process. When Operations broke every Quarter, we all used to be extremely stressef out. I did not give up. I went to my team's managers and asked them to send me to the remote location to understand how they actually process a particular Purchase Order and Invoice them. I bought them all pizza and understood and listened to their concerns. It was enlightening. We are on first-name basis now and all I need to do when invoices get stuck is to pick up the phone and call one of those guys in the remote area. They know exactly what needs to be done for me.

5) Follow up with your manager. I usually have 1:1 every other week with my manager. He is a super busy person, so he almost always tries to do it atleast once a month. Apart from texting each other, we also need some face time without any disturbance. And I always ask him, every single time, " What do you think I can do better". "What am I doing wrong?". He is always amazed when I ask him that question and mostly comes up with, " You are doing everything right, you are my rock star". That is important. Not only for your ego and self-motivation, but also to validate that you both are on the same page and there are no surprises.

Today, I got a nice email from my boss's boss congratulating me about a special program for employees that advance faster than average employees. I am in a special bucket that allows me to develop faster into managerial or Sr. Individual Contributor roles. I work very hard, but I work smarter.

Ceaser's First word!

Do you know what is my favorite scene from Rise of the Planet of the Apes? The one when Ceaser says the 2 letter word - "NO" in response to the very famous line, "Take your stinkin' paws off of me, you damn dirty ape!" Even thinking about it gives me the chills!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLeWbA8hHao

If you haven't watched the movie, here is the link to the scene!

If Ceaser, an ape, can say that 2 letter word, why can't you and I? It is just a simple word! But, why do we still have a hard time using those words to express our emotions? Are we really honest and true to ourselves whenever we nod our head and say "Yes", "Of course", "Sure", "Why Not!!"

A battered wife, an abused child, a selfish friend, a mean boyfriend, a demanding boss... think about all the issues at home, work and even in the society that can be prevented, by saying No.

For people that do not know, I have a therapist I see every other week, he is more like my life coach. When we started talking, I was this extremely used, always abiding "friend" that everyone was always ready to ask for help and wanted around for amusement. Hey Arti, can you book my tickets, hey Arti can you take care of this for me, Hey Arti, can you help fix this issue, Hey Arti, you look so fat, Hey Arti, blah blah blah!!

And the sad part was, I was ok with it. I thought I was being nice, being a good friend, being kind and compassionate, so wanted to be liked and wanted by everyone. There was the problem. A person with low self-worth feels that way, always accomodating, always complying, always ready to drop everything and run after someone else. That took me months to understand. He tried very hard, he tried to get to me through psychological theories, graphs, facts and what not. But, we both knew, I could do it ONLY if I wanted to. We both waited for weeks! And it was finally time. (I won't get into details, because I know it might hurt one of the readers.)

And he finally congratulated me for being "Ready". And he made me practise a simple exercise, "Saying No to one person every day". Be it the Barista that made a bad Chai, someone who served me Cherry tomatoes when I clearly told him not to, a friend who wanted to talk to me so bad when I was in a meeting or with Sam, Someone who wanted to borrow something, even if it was something insignificant. He wanted me to practice saying No on a regular basis for very small things. One step at a time, he told me.

That was when I understood that Saying No was not a bad thing after all. You can be extremely polite and just express how you feel or how something isn't acceptable. That's when we both decided to type an email to a friend that owed me money and asked her to pay it immediately. And NO, I couldn't wait anymore! The old Arti would have never bothered, but the Arti that wouldn't let others take advantage of her did. It was a breakthrough. It was like $100, but it worked.

Slowly, I began saying No and pushing back things at work. Even if I knew the answer, I said it wasn't within my scope (not my job basically) and let them figure stuff out themselves. People were shocked, surprised, but didnot seem to mind. Appreciated that I let them know! Slowly, I started doing meaningful work, more quality work. And work at a higher level than before.

Slowly, I applied it to everything, I started thinking, "Is this something I am comfortable with? Or Am I doing this just to please somebody?" A perfect example would be, Sam's Occupational Therapists kept changing in a particular agency and I wasn't pleased. I took the effort to let the agency know how I felt about the changes and how it is not the right thing for a child that doesn't like changes in the first place. I said, No, I was not going to send him there anymore!. I canceled all his future sessions and found a private therapist that has been working well for us. Then, I found myself saying No to my husband for not wanting to participate in certain events because I felt uncomfortable around some people. It certainly worked!

"No" is a very important word. It is more important than "Yes" sometimes. And critical to one's success, in career, in personal life and in gaining inner peace and self-respect. You need to be aware of your feelings, acknowledge it and confirm by saying "No". It is called "self-awareness" and it is extremely helpful to live a fulfiling, confident and independent life. I now say No - to anyone that calls me fat, or doesn't appreciate me- No that is NOT acceptable. That is mean. I drew a line, a boundary that only probably Sam is allowed to cross at times!

I still help friends and am still kind and compassionate to people that appreciate me. Others, can just try to get over themselves!

I am still practising and not completely there yet.

One thing to remember is, I have started to lose some people in my life, I identify the ones that respect my time, space and limits and you know what, I am going to be just OK without them after all!  :-)

What to expect when you are NOT expecting!!

Isn't "What to expect when you are expecting" a very famous book for pregnant women? I never read it when I was pregnant. I am glad I didnot. I bet the book doesn't talk about expecting a special needs child!!

I have recently started working with a UW Grad student on his project about our family. He is tasked to spend a few days with us while eating out, grocery shopping, watching a movie etc.. and write about it as his Grad school "Project". He just sent me a draft and I found myself crying after I finished reading it. That is what prompted me to start this topic today!

I talk about Sam all the time. I have to admit, I was not a very excited pregnant woman, I had few failed pregnancies before Sam was born. I was very keen on having a child early, as my mother had me early and could get rid of me when she turned 45 and I felt that was how I wanted to live too. Raise your child well, send them to good schools and just check on them if and when needed. Travel the world, have fun, do a few good things and die! Boy, was I wrong!! I thought I had it ALL planned! Sam was not a very pretty baby (I think some babies are just not pretty, which is fine! Reminds me of a hilarious Sienfeld episode) and he was a very "odd" baby! He never followed me everywhere, never "missed" me when I went to work. He seemed very content and satisfied with himself. I thought it was very easy to raise a child and couldn't understand why my mother fussed about it all the time, that I was always hungry and always clung to her when I was little!

And then he was diagnosed with autism at 3 and the rest is known to everyone. Now, he is 8. Speaks a little, gets through his school days with his reading, writing and Math skills and a VERY sweet smile! He actually is a very "easy" kid. He used to be difficult, I was always nervous to take him out anywhere. All these years of painfully organising and managing dozens of therapies has been rewarding. It started with a brutal gluten-free diet, B-12 shots on his butt every other day, tons of supplements for Calcium, Vit D deficiencies, speech therapy, Occupational Therapy, Hippo-therapy, Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy, Auditory Integration Therapy, Yoga, Floortime, ABA to name just a few!! All with a full-time job and some traveling and being a single mother for almost 2 of those 5 years! I did have GREAT nannies, therapists and friends. He is finally, a relatively easy kid. In the real sense!

Although, things don't end there, do they? Yeah yeah, I am a perfect mother, strong, dedicated, loving, brave and I always know what I need to do for my son. Right? Wrong! I have my days of confusions, my nights of crying alone quietly, my state of depression, my sadness, my panic calls to close friends, days I almost give-up, days I just need to be left alone with a drink, days I have locked myself up to not lose it, days I have taken long drives for no reason.... I have done all of that and some! It has been hard to cope with his disability, yes, even for me! And you guys should believe that. Because, hearing inspirational "advice" is not what I want every single time. Sometimes, All I need is a nod, a smile, a hug and just SILENCE!! Like a good Bartender! :-)

The past and the present are good, sailing where and when the wind is strong. The future seems to worry me, scares me a little! I always see lots of "Assisted Living" facilities in Seattle and wonder how much they cost and if they are good and take care of the disabled and old well. Finally, we took a step towards securing his future last week and set aside some funds when he turns 18 and after our deaths. I know some of my friends and relatives think it is too early and "unnecessary", but hey, I know my child and I don't want to take that chance. The acceptance that he will need support for the rest of his life has finally sunk in and I am glad I have enough time, money and resources to set aside for him. My goal is to make him get out of the house by 21 and live independently but close to me. We plan to do everything for his future so that he will not have any financial liability or will need external support. Parents with special needs kids have this unique challenge of supporting their kids not only till their lifetime, but also for the child's lifetime after their deaths. It is a very hard fact to face and a choice to make! So, when my friends with normal kids say, " Ah! Raising any kid is difficult and all kids have issues", is a sentence I have practised to ignore these days!

Our next step is to consider a trust, a guardian and keep our fingers crossed that the people we trust do their duties with a kind and noble heart!

Maybe, one day, he will start communicating and start making friends, enjoy dating and even get married, have kids, go to college, hold a job! But, if there is one thing I have learnt all these years, it is to never take life for granted. Never take Sam for granted. Never not be prepared for anything. I know exactly how my day is going to be like tomorrow and the day after and the day after that!!

And pregnancy books like, "What to expect when you are expecting" will never tell us these!

To err is rewarding!

I was definitely not this person 12-15 years ago, I was selfish, cautious, judgemental, opinionated, demanding, stressed out, anxious, frustrated and very materialistic. I come from a highly demanding, competitive TamBram family where every cousin, neighbor, friend was either a doctor or an engineer. I have 2 doctors, 1 dentist, 1 lawyer, TONS of engineers in my extended family. Even an actress! Everyone danced, sang or played atleast one instrument. I was literally bribed into playing Veena while I wanted to learn to dance. Ofcourse, nice girls didnot learn to dance in the 1980s!

I was a great student, studied little, but managed to top almost every grade and always was in the Top 10 in the Univ through my under-gradute program. Then I got my "dream" job, my parent's dream job, at one of the most famous companies in India. I was 21. I was miserable. I hated my job and I realised my whole degree had gone waste. I wanted to become a Journalist and travel and write about women in the Middle East, endagered species in Africa and what not! Ofcourse, I couldn't do Arts, it was frowned upon in the TamBram community! That's when I decided something, I resigned my high paying "Software Engineer" job. I had a baby! I thought I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. I got bored in weeks, I was restless. I thought I wanted to become an HR, didnot work. I thought I wanted to start my own business, I invested $1000 (in Rs in 2004, this was a huge amount) did extremely well, but had a very bad business partner that conned me and left me penniless. I had to start from scratch and I had a son to take care of too.

   My mom's voice kept telling me, "I told you so". I wanted to prove her wrong. I realised my mistake and I joined Michelle. My dear friend Michelle who welcomed me with open arms. She was starting up a business with her husband and I offered to be her BizDev. The business I had started earlier was in the same field, so I got my clients to Michelle and we rocked the whole city. I made LOT of Money, bought an apartment in India and was settling down. That's when I decided I was good at Sales and client relationship. I politely moved from Michelle to get into IT. Worked in a few small companies and then got this gig at Microsoft. I have never hated my job for a single day. It is stressful, back breaking, needy, demanding, but it is very rewarding and extremely satisfying to let a customer know how he can cost effectively start his business with Microsoft technology! I am building someone's business and livelihood here. That is when I learnt, what you study, what you become can be completely different. I am the only Engineer on my Sales team and my analytical skills help my team think through things their MBA brains may not! I closed the biggest deal of my career last month. I cannot see myself doing anything different anymore. I am set for life, I have no regrets and I am fortunate to have found my niche with a tiny baby on my lap at 25! Many people don't get to figure out their passion for a very long time! But again, I learnt from my mistake of opening the business and failing eventually. I would have never found Michelle, never recognised my strengths and passion for Sales. I wrote my destiny and this song always inspires me. (It is in Tamil)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXiD9eGaEEI

My baby boy Sam is the most imperfectly perfect mistake I have made. Over the course of these 8 years with him, I have learnt so much, that love has no expectations, no conditions, only sacrifices! Sweet sacrifices! Simple everyday sacrifices. I learnt from the society, how to be and how not to be! One of the most mean lines I still tell my mom, "You definitely taught me how NOT to be a parent sometimes". She just smiles! My 8 year old changed me 180 degrees. Sam is still this sweet little baby that may not even be able to support himself independently. Knowing that this boy maynot give me anything back in my lifetime, may never take care of me, may never become something big and make me proud, make me competitive, make me boast about with my girlfriends.... but what this boy can do, I am not sure anybody's child can do. This boy brings genuine smile, laughter, happiness, this boy never judges anyone, never criticises anyone, never expects anything from anyone. He has no ego, no pain, no jealousy, no conspiracy theories. He is as pure as white, and I just took some color from him and painted myself with it. I would have never wanted him any other way. People ask me if he has improved or if he is progressing, I find myself saying these days, "Ummm what is wrong with him again?" He is living, thriving, finding himself, exploring the world, loving us all! He has progressed and we should too, sometime soon!

My perfect "mistake" taught me how to live fully, enjoy simple pleasures, be stronger and love passionately. Be compassionate, mindful and thoughtful about everything around me. I didnot make him, he has made me. If I wasn't married to the person I was married to, I would never had the joy of living with Mr. White (Sam). See how mistakes can be a blessing!! This song still gives me the chills! (Tamil).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Pk3Aba-opw

So, I know I will keep making mistakes and keep learning from them. I am not scared anymore because I know my mistakes will eventually lead to very rewarding consequences! Good luck making mistakes everyone! :-)