This has been on my mind for quite some time now. Let me give you some context. I was sitting with some colleagues the other day and we were celebrating our Q end. These were what I considered my close colleague friends at work. We share some personal frustrations at times. So, we all thought that we should share one problem each. I was so not enthusiastic about this game. Coz, I know I always win this one. The first one went, "My wife doesn't do any work. She is stay-at-home but doesn't cook or clean or do laundry". I said, "hmmm, talk to her about it. She should be able to understand as you have been married for 20 years now!!". I showed some empathy when he wanted to take his ring out of his finger. Drama queen, I thought. The second one went, "Well, I travel a lot and my wife constantly fights with me that I am not around the kids more often". That is a good problem to have as he just got a huge promotion. But, I did understand how important family is and how his stay-at-home wife might feel. I empathized. Then it was my turn, "I said, apart from a divorce and not being with my current husband and custody issues with my ex-husband, my biggest problem is probably finding an assisted living facility that can take care of Sam when he turns 18". Silence. I looked around and one gal went, "Oh Arti, everyone has problems. My husband wastes too much water and we constantly fight about it". I was literally shocked. Literally. I spilled wine all over the table and burst out laughing and excused myself and ended up crying in the restroom. It was that funny and sad. I came back and everyone felt very uncomfortable and I said, hey, let's just celebrate now. The next day each and everyone of them emailed me and said they were sorry I was going through this and I should let them know if I needed any help or support. Duh.
That is my life. I am not saying your problems are not bigger than mine. Maybe they are. Maybe your parent or husband or even your child, sibling or friend has a chronic illness. Maybe, you don't have a job or are not in a satisfying job or marriage. Maybe you were abused. Maybe you don't live the way you want to live. Do you know the difference between you and me? I empathize with you, no matter how small or trivial your problems are and I NEVER say, " Well, everyone has problems". That is called empathy and so many of us lack that. It is sad.
I always wonder why I am so good at what I do. I pick up the phone and the customer yells at me, the company, the products and says, "Arti, I know you are just the messenger, but I am so frustrated". And he could be a guy that has a million dollar house by Lake Washington and Kayaks everyday and has a vacation home in Hawaii. You know what I don't tell him? "Every customer is having similar problems". I say, "Sorry John, I understand. I wish it was different". And THAT, my friend, makes me a better Sales person, friend, wife, mother, a community member and just a human being. Someone told me 2 weeks ago, "Arti, I do not sympathize with you, do not expect me to pity you." That is fair enough. I don't need sympathy, but I do need empathy. If you don't know the difference, then you should probably look it up.
Trust me, these are not even rude comments. I have heard someone say behind my back that they would never wish to have a child with autism and they would probably terminate the pregnancy. News Flash dude, you don't get to diagnose it until age 3 as they do cross most of the milestones during the early years. That is probably the most rude comment I might have heard yet. The second one was when Sam's nurse couldn't contain him when she was giving him shots and there were 4 people holding him down. She ended up announcing, " He must be so difficult". I said, difficult, he could be, but atleast he isn't rude like some people. I think she got the message. You know what my problems are, I raise a child I don't know will ever have a future, I have NEVER had a single conversation with him in the last 9 years, I come home and crave for basic exchange of words, I always worry about future and savings and money, not because I want to go ahead and get a BMW and live in a million dollar house or binge drink and party all night, but to earn so that my son doesn't have to depend on any Govt. aide to live his future years after I am gone. I am still waiting for the day when he would tell me he loves me. I do NOT expect you all to understand, because you cannot. You are not walking in my shoes, you do not live with me, you have not taken care of Sam to even begin to understand what it is like. But, you can atleast empathize. Or just smile and give me a hug. Sometimes words are not even needed, you see.
I discussed this with my therapist today and he gave me a good tip. IGNORE. JUST IGNORE. If the person matters to you, talk to him/her about it and explain your situation. If not, just ignore. I have learnt to ignore a lot lately. He said, "Arti, count the number of people you think empathize and want to know about your situation and help and support you". I counted. CP, RS, TM, JM, SS, TB, DH, KG, MC, VA, VK, GS, SS, SS, ML, AS. I said, "atleast 14 and I know I am forgetting a few". He said, "You know what, Arti. You are extremely fortunate. You have 15 really good friends and you have a way of testing them and I don't. You have 15 friends that appreciate and empathize with you. That you can call in the middle of the night and you know they will take your call. And people like me, we are not so fortunate. I don't think I can count more than 2-3 in my life that I can be so confident about." I smiled. That really helped. And you know who you are.
People forget that autism is a BIG part of me. It does NOT define me, but it does affect me in big ways. And, the big news is, you better learn to empathize with me to be a part of my journey as this is not even a chronic illness that will go away ever. It will stay till Sam is alive and beyond my lifetime.
And that is EXACTLY why I savour every moment of my vacation, whether you like to see my pictures or not. Going to Paris is definitely not a big deal. Going to Paris with my husband and not having to worry about Sam's health, behavior and daily routine is a BIG DEAL. That vacation will stay with me for the rest of my life. I have learnt to never take anything for granted. So, if you want to go ahead and judge me, it is better to just stay away from me, I think.
When I met my husband in Paris, I was very emotional. I wanted to say so much in 6 days and I hope I said everything and made him feel loved for what he is doing for me and Sam. There was a moment when I burst out crying and said, "Life is so complicated. When does it end?". You know what he did not say? Everyone has problems!!! He said, "It is ok, we will get through it together". And here is this guy that had nothing to do with me or Sam 5 years ago and completely and totally embraced us as a part of him. I am yet to meet another human being that has done that. People worry about money, job, future of their kids, girlfriends, cheating, not having a cool car or a million dollar house, bonuses, promotion or taking vacations, not getting better grades, not having a husband who doesn't waste water :-). And here we are, the 3 of us, outcasts, living our lives, trying to just fit in. Trying to just help people understand the fact that LOVE is all you need to get through these few years on earth. Love, empathy, compassion. You call me tomorrow and bitch about your in-laws or husband not doing enough for you. You know what I am going to say, "It is ok. Everything will be fine. Just take deep breaths and it is all temporary".
And saying that people, is so much better than saying, "My son has autism and you are worried about your in-laws?". Nope, you know why? Because I have empathy, compassion and love for my friends. I think you get my point.
Amen!
That is my life. I am not saying your problems are not bigger than mine. Maybe they are. Maybe your parent or husband or even your child, sibling or friend has a chronic illness. Maybe, you don't have a job or are not in a satisfying job or marriage. Maybe you were abused. Maybe you don't live the way you want to live. Do you know the difference between you and me? I empathize with you, no matter how small or trivial your problems are and I NEVER say, " Well, everyone has problems". That is called empathy and so many of us lack that. It is sad.
I always wonder why I am so good at what I do. I pick up the phone and the customer yells at me, the company, the products and says, "Arti, I know you are just the messenger, but I am so frustrated". And he could be a guy that has a million dollar house by Lake Washington and Kayaks everyday and has a vacation home in Hawaii. You know what I don't tell him? "Every customer is having similar problems". I say, "Sorry John, I understand. I wish it was different". And THAT, my friend, makes me a better Sales person, friend, wife, mother, a community member and just a human being. Someone told me 2 weeks ago, "Arti, I do not sympathize with you, do not expect me to pity you." That is fair enough. I don't need sympathy, but I do need empathy. If you don't know the difference, then you should probably look it up.
Trust me, these are not even rude comments. I have heard someone say behind my back that they would never wish to have a child with autism and they would probably terminate the pregnancy. News Flash dude, you don't get to diagnose it until age 3 as they do cross most of the milestones during the early years. That is probably the most rude comment I might have heard yet. The second one was when Sam's nurse couldn't contain him when she was giving him shots and there were 4 people holding him down. She ended up announcing, " He must be so difficult". I said, difficult, he could be, but atleast he isn't rude like some people. I think she got the message. You know what my problems are, I raise a child I don't know will ever have a future, I have NEVER had a single conversation with him in the last 9 years, I come home and crave for basic exchange of words, I always worry about future and savings and money, not because I want to go ahead and get a BMW and live in a million dollar house or binge drink and party all night, but to earn so that my son doesn't have to depend on any Govt. aide to live his future years after I am gone. I am still waiting for the day when he would tell me he loves me. I do NOT expect you all to understand, because you cannot. You are not walking in my shoes, you do not live with me, you have not taken care of Sam to even begin to understand what it is like. But, you can atleast empathize. Or just smile and give me a hug. Sometimes words are not even needed, you see.
I discussed this with my therapist today and he gave me a good tip. IGNORE. JUST IGNORE. If the person matters to you, talk to him/her about it and explain your situation. If not, just ignore. I have learnt to ignore a lot lately. He said, "Arti, count the number of people you think empathize and want to know about your situation and help and support you". I counted. CP, RS, TM, JM, SS, TB, DH, KG, MC, VA, VK, GS, SS, SS, ML, AS. I said, "atleast 14 and I know I am forgetting a few". He said, "You know what, Arti. You are extremely fortunate. You have 15 really good friends and you have a way of testing them and I don't. You have 15 friends that appreciate and empathize with you. That you can call in the middle of the night and you know they will take your call. And people like me, we are not so fortunate. I don't think I can count more than 2-3 in my life that I can be so confident about." I smiled. That really helped. And you know who you are.
People forget that autism is a BIG part of me. It does NOT define me, but it does affect me in big ways. And, the big news is, you better learn to empathize with me to be a part of my journey as this is not even a chronic illness that will go away ever. It will stay till Sam is alive and beyond my lifetime.
And that is EXACTLY why I savour every moment of my vacation, whether you like to see my pictures or not. Going to Paris is definitely not a big deal. Going to Paris with my husband and not having to worry about Sam's health, behavior and daily routine is a BIG DEAL. That vacation will stay with me for the rest of my life. I have learnt to never take anything for granted. So, if you want to go ahead and judge me, it is better to just stay away from me, I think.
When I met my husband in Paris, I was very emotional. I wanted to say so much in 6 days and I hope I said everything and made him feel loved for what he is doing for me and Sam. There was a moment when I burst out crying and said, "Life is so complicated. When does it end?". You know what he did not say? Everyone has problems!!! He said, "It is ok, we will get through it together". And here is this guy that had nothing to do with me or Sam 5 years ago and completely and totally embraced us as a part of him. I am yet to meet another human being that has done that. People worry about money, job, future of their kids, girlfriends, cheating, not having a cool car or a million dollar house, bonuses, promotion or taking vacations, not getting better grades, not having a husband who doesn't waste water :-). And here we are, the 3 of us, outcasts, living our lives, trying to just fit in. Trying to just help people understand the fact that LOVE is all you need to get through these few years on earth. Love, empathy, compassion. You call me tomorrow and bitch about your in-laws or husband not doing enough for you. You know what I am going to say, "It is ok. Everything will be fine. Just take deep breaths and it is all temporary".
And saying that people, is so much better than saying, "My son has autism and you are worried about your in-laws?". Nope, you know why? Because I have empathy, compassion and love for my friends. I think you get my point.
Amen!
You are not outcasts Arti,Dont say that! .. You are a survivor! One who bears a scar has been to battle and survived! Our wounds heal,but the scars remain to show us we have survived ! Amen to your article Arti!
ReplyDelete-Annie
Thanks Annie for staying with me and putting up with me all these years. I can always count on you and your blessings for me and my family.
ReplyDeleteIt is so unfortunate that many people lack this trait. Compassion cannot be taught period. As a mother of a special needs child, I wish you and your family well.
ReplyDeleteIt is so unfortunate that many people lack this trait. Compassion cannot be taught period. As a mother of a special needs child, I wish you and your family well.
ReplyDelete